WARNING: This article is HIGHLY CONTROVERSIAL. It contains a list of 12 FACTS that will SHOCK you & YOUR MAMA! I’ve got exclusive insider information that has never been shared by anyone on the world wide cyber-sphere, UNTIL NOW. Mommy bloggers all over the country have been trying to get access to these top secret things that only I know. I’ve been begged, I’ve been pleaded with, I’ve even had several mothers offer me their first born, JUST TO PICK MY BRAIN! I ain’t no sell-out though, and I certainly don’t negotiate with women! Not just because they’re overly sensitive and wishy-washy, but because they aren’t even allowed to have any of the stuff that I would want, like equal employment opportunities or fair wages or the ability to go out in public without fear of getting sexually assaulted. Just like the physical affections of a young attractive Russian lady, my words cannot be bought. Unless you know someone over at Buzzfeed or something. CUZ I GOT LISTS, GUYS! Here’s a little taste of what could be featured on your own dumb website, for the right amount of US bitcoins.
1) Procreating – The most common mistake that all moms make is having unprotected sex. It seems so simple, but just look at the statistics. When you really think about it, it makes literally all the sense. Where are all these moms coming from?? The ol’ pregnancy bait, it gets them almost every time! Babies begot mamas and vice versa, it’s a story as old as time. The cycle must be broken. Stop holding your lion cubs over cliffs and promising them the kingdom! Start not having sex and being more “too tired” all the time.
2) Unnatural Birth – If you accidentally get coerced by the Devil into doing the reproductive dance with your genitals, then at least do it right. You owe it to your baby to usher it in under excruciatingly uncomfortable circumstances. Take queue from the ladies of olden time, they didn’t have hospitals and medicine and experienced doctors with decades of education, and look how well they managed! Sure, a lot of them died, but at least they weren’t whining about epidurals. Don’t let the risks to your baby’s health outweigh the cardinal risk of bringing shame to your vagina by not manning-up through labor. Don’t allow the birthing experience to impede upon your daily routine, either. Don’t even acknowledge the contractions, be the boss of your body! If a baby is ready to fall out then it should be able to do so with a simple squat on the side of the road. You don’t need no dang doctor to tell you when to tell your body what to do when it is already gonna do what it gonna do. This is simple science. So what if you hemorrhage, at least you don’t gotta be hooked up to monitors and what not. As soon as you chew through the umbilical cord and consume the placenta, your chakras will realign and all your uncontrollable bleeding problems should clear right up. If it doesn’t, then you did something wrong. Try to focus on all the possible mistakes you probably made during pregnancy. Did you drink coffee? Did you play too much Candy Crush? It will all make sense as you drift out of consciousness from blood loss. Maybe next time you’ll plan better and achieve the ultimate natural delivery method: the lotus birth.
3) Breastfeeding – You best get them titties to work, unless you are trying to destroy any chance of your baby growing into a functional member of society. I mean if that’s your thing, then by all means, use the power of thought to will your boobs to stop producing milk. Just remember that it’s all your fault even if you tried. If you decide not to be a monster, make sure you breastfeed constantly but don’t let anyone see it. If you absolutely have to leave the house for some emergency reason (your hired team of nannies all called in sick) then you need to bring a large blanket to cover yourself and your baby so that random people don’t have to feel weird about you doing the thing that is universally recognized as the only right way to feed a baby. Finding balance between the oxymoronic societal expectations of moms is your job now, and should be your #1 concern.
4) Formula feeding – This is a great option for any mother looking to turn their baby into a disgusting mutant. The rule of thumb with formula is to pick the most expensive brand. If you can’t be a good breastfeeding mom, the least you can do is be an elitist formula feeder. This will help instill the ideas of capitalism in your baby, and it raises the chances of your offspring winning the genetically modified lottery and turning into Scarlett Johansson’s character from that Lucy movie.
5) Diapering – Just don’t. There’s no right way to do it. You either destroy the environment with disposables or you destroy your bank account with all the adorable printed cloth options. Wave the white flag of elimination training to counter all judgements from people inconvenienced by the extensive presence of your baby’s urine & feces. They just don’t get it. And neither do you, but that’s our little secret. Appearing confident about all your parenting choices is key to being a good mom. Just because it’s different and weird and difficult and pointless and intrusive to others doesn’t mean it’s not the best method, so don’t falter in your facade of superiority around other moms.
6) Baby wearing – It’s important to not let motherhood take away from your fierce fashion style. Stop thinking of your baby as a living, breathing human you’re responsible for and start looking at it as an accessory. Buy a few dozen different sling wrap things and strap that little uterus diamond on. This will help with the bonding process bc other moms will be all “ooh I love that, where is it from?” Then you can chat about how you grew it inside your womb and it’s called a baby. Women love lusting after things that come from really exclusive places. Solidify this lady bond with regular coffee dates.
7) Baby weaving – The biggest issue babies struggle with is lack of hair. Even if they aren’t totally bald, they still lack the desirable levels of volume and length. Setting your baby up with a good stylist is imperative to combatting the self-image issues facing babies today. Fight the war on beauty standards by being one step ahead of the haters. Don’t let your baby get ridiculed in the nursery, because it’s only a reflection of your poor parenting skills. The shorter the journey from womb to weave, the better.
8) Baby birding – Your little one needs a lot of help, and after 9 months of it transforming your body into a doublewide trailer, so do you. Baby birding kills two birds with one sorta gross stone. Essentially, it’s the tried & true “chew and spit” method that many successful anorexics have employed for centuries. You’re helping your baby receive nutrients from solid foods that they otherwise can’t consume due to their lack of teeth, while simultaneously helping yourself fit back into skinny jeans by quelling those pesky cravings for food! Sure, there are other ways to go about this, but why waste the opportunity to taste delicious things on something that doesn’t even have a tongue, like a stupid blender? If you are serious about dropping that baby weight then you know that eating is out of the question. But chewing is the safe part of eating, and without swallowing, it’s basically like calorie-free eating, which is just as beneficial as not eating at all! So baby birding is a win-win situation for your baby and your body! Just count down to bikini season every time you slowly dribble Cheeto paste into your baby’s mouth.
9) Baby food – If you insist on letting your baby eat food that you haven’t personally tasted and chewed first, then at least bite the Baby Bullet and invest in a fancy extravagant motorized machine to make your own mashed slop for your baby to eat. DO NOT BUY that jarred poison grocery stores try to pedal as baby food. Did you know Gerber is actually owned by a Nazi organization and Beechnut puts anti-freeze in their pureed sweet potatoes? Earth’s Best lists heroin as a main ingredient in their rice cereal and the secret to Ella’s Kitchen is actually her own conjunctivitis discharge. The FDA legally allows her to use the term “organic” on the packaging because eyeballs are considered organs so any substance they produce is technically defined as “organic.”
10) The Mom Zone – The truth about the mom zone is a highly debatable topic. Some believe that once you enter the mom zone, you are stuck there. Others argue that while it’s quite difficult and time-consuming, it is possible for an individual to escape the mom zone and become “more than a mom.” In my experience, which I invite you all to use as definitive proof, the mom zone in and of itself is merely a concept of reality meant to enslave mothers within the confines of their own minds based on patriarchal ideas from outside sources. If a baby wants to hang out with a woman but only as her in the role of care-taker, the woman should embrace that relationship at face value instead of getting all bitter that she was “mom-zoned.” We, as a society, have to start respecting the agency of babies.
11) Baby-Led Whining – The newest trend in attachment style parenting is called baby-led whining (or BLW as they like to refer to it within the boring chat rooms and mind-numbing message boards devoted to mothers who overly use abbreviated shorthand). This method focuses on a baby’s natural rhythm of irritation and frustration with life. It’s crucial to the development of basic complaining skills and allows babies to form a healthy level of disdain for their surroundings. Once called the “cry it out method,” baby-led whining was initially shunned by the AP community and considered cruel and damaging to the psyche of infants. After the lexicon makeover, however, baby-led whining emerged with its shiny new name and was instantly embraced within the group of moms who previously denounced its benefits. Today, helicopter moms all over the country allow their babies to express themselves with their shrill screams & piercing cries, all in the name of flourishing into exceptionally whiney individuals!
12) Read More Lists – If I’ve made anything clear with this list, I hope that it’s the importance of lists like this. Being the best mom you can be is contingent on how much tripe you read about parenting on the internet. Sometimes it’s better to neglect your children and just keep your eyes buried into the glowing tech device of your choosing. Missing your kid’s milestones and medical appointments is a small price to pay to not miss reading any new information about what parts of parenting you are probably failing at, so just stay here and refresh your tabs for a while! I got lists, y’all.