BONER TOWN wit britany p.

HAHA that was soooo crazy! It was like, I grewed it inside my belly forever, then BOOM I got to spend 13 hours in a hospital trying to poop it out. Anyway, I still totally have that baby. She is actually a child now, and probably an adult in some countries. She’s 18 months old, or 1.5 years, or 93$h846uy20jgo4w8 quadraloops (if you’re familiar with the time lapse continuum structures on Mars). She walks and talks (mostly jibberish) and entertains the shit out of me. She also drives the proverbial shit out of me. It’s a delicate double-edged serrated spiral saw blade type of relationship where sometimes I’m overjoyed by her presence, and sometimes I just want a goddamned moment of peace. I’m a stay-at-home-all-the-fucking-time-and-try-to-entertain-a-toddler mom, and I used to internally chuckle at women who acted like being a mom was sooo hard.. like bitch what the hell is so hard about sitting at home with a kid all day? TRY ROCKET SCIENCE. But man.. it’s true. Being a mom is hard. It’s not technically difficult in the way that doing 20 push-ups every hour is not hard to figure out, but it’s fucking exhausting and mentally draining and after a year of doing it you are still waiting for a break. I lived nearly 26 years having basically no real responsibilities. I’ve never felt attached to anything I’ve done in a way where I feel that I have to do it, like there are literally no other options. I’ve always held jobs that I could easily quit without much concern. If I quit one job, I can always get another. BUT if you quit being a mom, I don’t even know.. just a lot of bad.. wait, what the fuck does happen if I quit? I mean I guess I could make another baby, but I’ve already put so much time into this one. I guess people do quit being moms, but they look like giant selfish assholes, and obviously I am very concerned about people not thinking I’m an asshole. Wait.. I am already a giant asshole. So what am I doing here? What is it that keeps me from quitting?? I guess I like it. OMG don’t tell anyone I said that. My street cred will not survive if I go around saying I like being a mom. There are moments that I don’t like, though. There are moments where I’m like “HOLY HELL WHAT HORRIBLE DECISION HATH I CURSED UPON MY WOMB???” And that’s ok & normal & makes me an even better mom than lying ass bitch moms that act like it’s all cuddles & giggles. Get the hell outta here with your robotic Stepford bullshit. I don’t care how patient and understanding you think you are, a year of barely sleeping & incessant screaming will wear you the fuck down. Research even shows that having children decreases your lifespan. The more you have, the more years get ticked off your life. So it’s clinically unhealthy, and no fucking wonder. It’s the most non-stop, demanding thing and it completely consumes your life. I guess it doesn’t HAVE to, you could always just not care about doing a good job at it and say “fuck this” and go be like Jenelle from Teen Mom 2. But that’s gross and doesn’t look very appealing. For all it’s fuckery, I know that I would be a lot less happy without my work as a mom. Hanging out with friends all night & sleeping all day never really had much payoff in the end. I never sat back and thought, “I really accomplished something important today when I played Mario Party for 4 hours.” I never would have thought I’d end a day still in pajamas, looking like shit, and feel like I did anything productive either, but that’s pretty much my life now. I handle a lot of shit, both figuratively & literally, and I don’t get paid for it, and I still have tons of other problems that go along with just being a woman, and a human, and I juggle all that crap and I make it look good, too. The only reason I even got to write all this is because I’ve been feeding my kid chocolate chips next to me to keep her distracted long enough to not close my laptop or press all the buttons or spontaneously combust. Cuz that’s what moms gotta do. U KNOW IT’S HARD OUT HERE 4 A MOM.

For the record, I wouldn’t do it again. HAHA jk I would. Probably. Maybe. If there was money involved.

So I started this thing where I get paid to reply to lonely men on the internet via this dating site thing.. I know this sounds really legit & like, professional. ANYWAY, as you might imagine, I become bored with acting normal bc it is just sooooo boring to be all “oh hi, you have big muscles tee-hee-hee” all the time. Sometimes I become weirdly resentful of how dumb shit like this is what women do for money (but mostly my mindset is that it’s awesome bc really ONLY women can make money doing easy shit like this) but also sometimes it’s just a huge inner debate with myself over if I’m being true to my feminist beliefs or just aiding in the perpetuation of the objectification of women?? Then I realize that this very conversation taking place inside my brain is actually PROOF that I am doing okay bc most of the women doing this are probably slutty stripper airheads. If there’s one thing that feminists are good at, it’s calling other women dumb whores! Or is that just women? Oh, who knows anymore.. the vagina is still a mystery to me. So I recently submitted this reply before totally realizing how hilarious & insane it was. The guy seemed nice enough & normal but I just let my juices flow and well, my juices are weird, man. I mean I just want you to start from the top again and understand the thought process that I experience before I do things. Like, all things. Even small things. I am so OCD sometimes that I don’t get anything done. For example, I haven’t updated this blog in months. Like multiple months. I don’t even know how many. I would take a guess but guessing gives me anxiety. Do you just want to like, read the thing I was trying to tell you about? Ok here:

“Thanks for the kind words. How old are you? You look really in shape. I need to get on that getting fit bandwagon. Sometimes I work out but then I get too proud & reward myself with like 1000 cakes. Then I cry about what a gluttonous slob I’ve become. It’s just a momentary lapse though, I always bounce back to barely eating anything just like a real girl is supposed to. Sometimes I don’t eat anything for days just because I don’t even want to think about pooping. It’s so annoying, like why do we even waste time doing that? Seems like science should have come up with some way for us to be able to not need to poop anymore, ya know?”

So maybe eventually I won’t get money for doing ridiculously easy things because I can’t even handle that.. it’s almost like it’s too easy so I’ve made it exceptionally difficult or gone out of my way to get fired from something that is probably too stupid to even get fired from. Eventually I’ll probably just build a rocket ship or invent new ways to breathe. 

I know. I KNOW. It has been a long time. You have missed me SO MUCH! I’ve barely thought about you because my life is so much more interesting. What a balanced relationship we have, that’s why this works. You wait with bated breath for me to slam my fingers around on a keyboard while I lounge around in week old pajamas coated in vomit and urine with a soundtrack of a screaming baby playing on repeat in the background. Motherhood is just glamorous that way.

The thing is, it’s unimaginably time consuming & difficult. Especially for people like me that have no previous experience, knowledge, or capacity to care about babies. Like for example, I had no idea that having a baby would affect my sleep schedule. The first night we brought her home I was like “WHAT THE HELL? TAKE IT BACK. I WANT A REFUND.” I require so much sleep. Like I am pretty sure that I am a cat puppeting this human body. I need 12 hours a night MINIMUM to feel alright enough to get up and not immediately search for items to kill myself with. But that’s simply no longer an option, I mean the sleeping 12 hours part.. the suicide part is DEFINITELY still an option and that window of opportunity grows bigger & brighter every day. I am so stressed out all the time. I’m losing my hair, which is not from stress so much as it is from tiny fingers violently ripping it out of my head on a daily basis. Quinn has also started teething, so we are back to those newborn days where I am awaken every 2 hours with blood-curdling screams. The difference now, however, is that she is virtually inconsolable. At least when she was a newborn all you had to do was plug a bottle into her face & the screaming would pause for a couple hours. Now we have to hold her down and try to squirt Motrin in her mouth without her projectile vomiting it back up. Oh but it’s such an experience. People say it’s worth it, and they’re right. Because as much as it sucks, it would still suck a lot more to go to prison for flushing it down the toilet like an unwanted carnival prize.. and that’s worth all the sleep you’ll never get in the world! Plus there are these fun parts, like dressing them up like bumble bees..

When she sleeps it is really awesome. Sometimes it’s so quiet I forget all about how screamy & terrible it is the rest of the time. Just kidding. You never forget. You spend the rare moments of naptime bliss quietly trying to do things like get dressed or eat. You tip toe around your own house as if you’re trying to escape from some horrible nightmare where you’ve been held captive by a monster that plans to rape you to death as soon as he wakes up. Sometimes you will start something like laundry or dishes, and you will get approximately 75% of that task completed before you are beckoned back to whiney village where you are not allowed to do anything other than try to keep a baby from screaming. I used to try to shower, but the screaming is so relentless that I’ve found it easier to just forgo bathing until someone else is there to ensure that I can shave the 4 inches of hair from my armpits in peace. It’s a similar situation with eating. Basically, Master Baby says I’m not allowed to eat. Anything. Ever. If I’m caught sneaking nutrients, Master screams at me until I share. If I need to go pee or take a shit (which is rare bc I don’t eat) Master Baby must accompany me and several toys must be provided so as to keep Master distracted enough to stop trying to touch the toilet seat, kitty litter box, cleaning products under the sink, etc.

All this strife is supposed to have some big payoff someday, though. So I’m giving her 8 years to get her shit together. If the child acting dreams that I’ll be indoctrinating in her don’t work out, then she’s gonna have to start pulling her own strings. She shouldn’t have any trouble landing gigs considering how gorgeous she is. She’s already getting a lot of attention from modeling agencies based on her new headshot alone:

Who could resist that face? If my baby can’t be the next Lindsay Lohan, then we will just all have to accept that the American dream really is dead.

Having a baby really is an adventure though. The only thing that it’s lacking is PRIZES. I have accumulated so many rewards in my brain from all the restraint I’ve shown in not throwing mine outside to live in the forest and be raised/eaten alive by squirrels/zombie squirrels (let’s not pretend we know what’s going on out there). For all their faults, babies are cute. Well I mean, MINE is. Some babies are not cute and those moms really deserve some consolation prizes. Being adorable is my kid’s saving grace. If she was hideous AND screaming all the time I’d be like, “GREAT, now I have to find someone to teach you how to have a redeeming personality.” I mean really, when do the chores end? I carried you inside of me for 9 months, and squeezed you out of my fachina.. I believe my work here is done. AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

I don’t want to discourage any of you from procreating, though. Babies are really awesome!! In fact, most days, I want another baby. And by “another” I mean “instead of” and by “baby” I mean “cat.”

Welp, if this sucks it’s because someone screamed at me while I banged it out. So until next time… I’ll be scraping shit off of my kid’s back. <3

I did it! I gave all the births! On october 4th 2011, Boner Town ushered in its newest citizen: Quinn Elise Pracchia. I was induced because my baby was being anorexic or something. I was 38 weeks and she was still measuring at 36 so it was time for this booger to get sneezed out. Despite being induced with pitocin and a Foley balloon catheter (the worst part of the whole ordeal), I managed to deliver without an epidural. I wanted to go as natural as possible and in retrospect, I have no idea how I managed it, but I did, and therefore I am better than the average woman. I would DESTROY pretty much anyone in a birth off. So now that I am an expert on everything, I want to tell you all about how to have a baby if you happen to accidentally get pregnant like I did which is the smartest thing you can do for your vagina.

First of all, you need to have a topnotch bagina. You probably have a gross one but whatever do some exercise and go get a brazilian. Babies only like to slide out of pretty vaginas, so if you think you are going to just neglect your junk and have an easy birth you are sorely mistaken. I did labia curls 6 times a week to prep my glambox for its big debut. I also had my butthole darkened (bleaching is so last year) and got a permanent landing strip tattoo. Vaginas are like the new eyebrows, so you want to strip all the hair off and then replace it with ink to give it the illusion of the stuff you just took off of it. If being beautiful wasn’t so confusing then stupid people would be doing it. Also, it doesn’t hurt to have a small baby (literally). Mine was 5lbs. That’s like a bag of sugar, so you can practice giving birth by having sex with a bag of sugar. Look how excited my little bag of sugar is..

Next, you need to choose a name for your spawn. Go with something unique but not too stupid. Don’t name it after your favorite fruit or relative, that’s just plain silly. Don’t take it that seriously though, because you risk coming up with something really unoriginal like Sooki or Reba. If you are picking a boy name, go with something really masculine like Renée. The one thing I learned after having my baby was that the name isn’t really that important because you just call it “the baby” for like, ever. I went with Quinn for my baby. It’s cool because it has a Q and rhymes with WIN. My one regret is not going with something “more black” like NyQuilitta or Aquaquinipha. But whatever, I can save those names for my future cats.

Ah cats. That brings me to my next tip. After you have your baby, don’t have any more babies. Only more cats. Yes, babies are cute and funny and all that special fuzzy stuff… but they also do a lot of shitty stuff like shit, and stuff. Cats are just warm and fuzzy and cuddly and if they annoy you and you put them outside, you won’t be arrested. Yes, being arrested can be invigorating and down right liberating, but it’s also shitty and the opposite of liberating. So take a page out of Casey Anthony’s book and don’t go to prison!

Hmm what else? I’m only 2 months into this whole motherhood thing so I’m still coming to terms with what an amazingly brilliant parent I am. Oh you know what’s fun to do with babies? DRESS THEM UP! I often go days without showering and wearing the same spit-up covered pajamas, but my baby gets the luxury of having multiple wardrobe changes every day. Since being pregnant makes you fat, I pretty much spent all my time and money during the final months of pregnancy buying clothes for my baby. Typically I’d buy clothes for me, because I used to be fun to dress.. but then I got all enormous and frustrating to dress. Babies are always fun to dress though, even fat ones because a fat baby is still a really small person, and as we all know, small people are HOT PEOPLE! I secretly hoped that I’d have a midget baby, even though there aren’t any midget genes in either mine or my babydaddy’s family. Midget babies are really cute though, Google them! So yeah, dressing up your baby is a fun way of wasting all your free time. Here’s my little turkey (plus my adorbz babydaddy boyfriend) celebrating her first Thanksgiving..

I don’t have any more tips right now but I do want to share some interesting facts about my baby. She is really super ultra mega adorable (I know I know, that’s not a surprise considering the magnificent vagina she was expelled from). But for realz she is probably the cutest baby there ever was. You could solve world hunger with her cuteness. You could end wars with my baby’s cheeks. No lie. PLUS she was born with an abnormally high level of street cred because my womb was blessed by the ghost of Tupac Shakur, and you can totally tell because she looks just like him.

It’s cool and everything but she is always talking real ghetto and telling me how she “runs Compton.” I try to make cutesy baby talk at her but she just throws up gang signs and shits herself. She’s a regular lil’ hoodrat. The other day she told me to go buy her REAL CIGARETTES.

Anywayz doe, that’s about all the baby info I have for now. Check back soon for some more great parenting tips!

It’s been a while since I updated because I am so pregnant all the time. Plus I have become so overwhelmingly attractive that it’s difficult to not just stare at a full-length mirror all day. My body is like this amazing bulbous creature. You know how men like “curvy” women? Well I have pretty much redefined their wildest fantasy. I’m beyond curvy, I’m lumpy and parts of my body protrude in nearly every direction! I’m like a whole new breed of sexy, basically. I know this for a fact because when I go out in public, people cannot stop looking at me. At first it was annoying but now I realize that I just posses such an unattainable level of beauty that people have to stop what they are doing and take it all in because it’s probably the only chance they’ll ever have to bestow their peasant eyes on this caliber of babe. So now I’m just like, “Yeah ok you can take a picture.”

I made some new artwork to illustrate my stages of pregnancy. I think I’m in my second or third semester now. It gets confusing because you have to keep up with time and all this stuff but I’m so busy taking naps and overeating, so like I had been telling people I was 19 weeks along for like 5 weeks and then I was like, “Wait a minute! I forgot about how time works!” I’m on top of it now because I went and wrote all the weeks down in my planner. I celebrated my 21st week by getting very drunk, because my baby was 21 and we all know 21 is synonymous with PARTY! So here is what I remember about week 21:

Remember when I said it was probably a boy baby? Well I was just using reverse psychology on my uterus because I wanted a girl, and guess what IT TOTALLY WORKED! (My uterus is subscribed to my blog.) So I am having a girl baby, which means I currently am housing TWO VAGINAS, which explains a lot about why I’m so extra pretty lately. So if you want to know if you’re prettier than me, I made this quiz you can take to figure it out:

So after I found out that my baby was a girl, that’s when I really started to get that double vagina glow. Around week 25 I noticed that men couldn’t keep their eyes off of my belly. Some other changes started happening too like my belly button was getting really wide and shallow. This has basically saved time on bathing because I don’t have to put extra effort into cleaning it out because it’s pretty much all exposed now. Here is a drawing so you can get a better idea of week 25:

My baby is starting to inherit some of my skills such as art. She is probably like 4 or 5 years old now and wears cute outfits with little French berets and other artsy stuff like she probably goes to cafes and drinks tea and stuff like that. She is probably bombarded with boyfriends too. Anyway enough about her, let’s get back to me. So around week 28 I notice that not only is it men checking me out all the time, but now WOMEN are joining in. At this point I’m like, “What is going on here?” So I go home and look in a mirror and it hits me: I am so pretty! I guess something about all my extra vagina hormones is probably making ladies subconscious be all lezbo and stuff. Here is a very accurate representation of week 28:

So that is pretty much how things have been going for me lately. Oh another thing that recently happened is that I fell down and hurt my foot really bad. Pregnancy has given me the agility of an intoxicated toddler. I lose my footing out of nowhere all the time. Sometimes I’ll just be standing up and then I stumble on nothing. It’s super funny and really makes tons of sense about how fucking retarded mother nature is. I’m sure this whole experience would have been way more difficult if I hadn’t had my basic motor skills swapped out for the enormous responsibility of carrying another life. I can’t wait to see what my body has in store for me after I have the baby. Maybe I’ll lose mobility in my arms and go deaf, surely those things would make for optimal infant care!

On some beautiful drunken night back in January, I made contact with a very special boner. That boner did something magical to my inner woman gut. A baby was implanted inside there, and nobody even told me. It was a total surprise party (of one) in my uterus, and I had no idea! To be clear, it was an accident. It was unplanned. It was the last thing I ever thought I’d be doing with my body. But who am I to judge the acts of the Boner God? So now I’m pregnant with a baby, and I assume the baby has a boner, because it was made from 100% pure organic fair-trade boner juice. (My boyfriend is a total health nut so that’s how I know.) It’s been pretty crazy so far, mostly just a lot of anxiety over the future of my vagina. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it will, probably, get totally exploded and send shrapnel flying out for miles. Tiny pieces of my placenta piercing the flesh of innocent onlookers. But alas, I’ve still got like 5 months to prepare for the total destruction of my once perfectly symmetrical poontang. So what have I been doing during these first 18 weeks of pego-ness, you ask? Well I will tell you. I will show you also, because I’m an expert drawer and explainer of all medical things relating to and around the vagenitals of a woman.

Some of my friends who’ve been pregnant have used these things on facebook that post a little drawing and give you a synopsis of what’s going on during each week of pregnancy, and you know what? They’re not very accurate, and they’re also not very good drawings. So I made my own. This is week 4:

Week 4 of pregnancy is a lot like week 1 of a stomach virus and week 3 of PMS. Most women don’t even know they’re pregnant yet. I didn’t. I thought I was just sick with homicidal rage, and eventually would start my monthly vaginal bleeding routine. In fact, at one point, I thought I did start my period. But it was only a small amount of pinkish blood and lasted for like, an hour. I says to my friend I says, “Man, I had the shortest period ever, it was literally, like, an hour.” Then my friend she says to me she says, “Hmm.. you know, you could be pregnant. That could have been egg implantation bleeding.” I was like “egg imitation HUH?” Then she explains that sometimes when you get pregnant, you have some pinkish bleeding from the egg implanting into your uterus. So the next day I took a pregnancy test and BAM, that bitch was right on da money! So evidently, medically, what happened was that my baby egg flew through my fallopian tube so fast and hit my uterine wall with such force (LIKE A ROCKET) that it totally caused some light bleeding. How BADASS is that?!? That was my first inclination that it was probz a boy because dudes love going fast. Duh. Common fact. OK so moving on, here is my depiction of week 8:

I got my first ultrasound at the ER because I was having some bleeding from some kind of incompetant placenta problem. Normally you don’t get ultrasounds that early but I am like so VIP so I did. It looked like some tiny bean shaped booger just sitting there doing nothing. It was dumb, I was like, “WHAT how is that even a baby where is its rattle and shit?” But I guess this is normal. It was not even a fetus yet it’s just like some cells grouped up forming a gang inside my junk, but like, the weakest dumbest gang ever who don’t do anything like fight other gangs or have turf wars. It was really uneventful but I did get verification that it had a heart beat so that was cool. OK so now week 16 when things are starting to pick up a little bit.

So in between 8 and 16 weeks I started to gain some weight and feel a little bit more normal, but still really emotionally crazy. After week 12 I was officially in my 2nd trimester so the nausea went away which was great because that shit sucks hard balls. I got energy back which was nice too, but I did start gaining weight and my pants got to be really uncomfortable. I was using a pony tale thing for a while, like instead of buttoning my pants.. but eventually that wasn’t enough room so I just bought some maternity pants. Maternity pants are awesome and I wish I would have known that sooner, like before I ever got pregnant. They are perfect for eating a lot of food comfortably, without looking like a fucking slob in sweat pants. I’m for sure gonna wear them to Thanksgiving dinners from now on. My boobs are all swollen and hurty, and even though they’ve gotten bigger, they are still not the same size which is just some shitty ass mistake that mother nature made. It’s like one is slightly bigger than the other, so as they grow, if that one would just hold the fuck back for a minute, the other one could catch up & we’d all be a lot happier.. but no, ol’ righty thinks it’s in a race to get to my belly button. But whatever, eventually they will both just be nutrient supplies for whatever is growing inside me. Tomorrow is my ultrasound to determine the sex, and it will probz have a boner.. because like I said.. it was made with a boner and it likes to move fast like a boner. I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure 2 boners make an asshole, so this guy’s probz gonna be like.. the coolest VIP dickhead ever.

If there’s one thing I’m an expert on, it’s boners. If there’s a second thing I’m equally as educated about, it’s how to dress a boner. I know I know, FINALLY someone with a valid voice is here to give all you guys some proven strategies on how to dress and accessorize everything on and around your boner, from head to head, and a little below that too.

TIP 1: Skip pants. They don’t really do anything for your legs, and in this modern day & age, function is really everything. Think of the time you’ll save not having to deal with those pesky leg holes! Also, going pants-less is a great way to show off those new white sneaks! BETTER NOT SCUFF ‘EM, BRO!

This is a really easy outfit to do, and is a great option for going to the gym or just running some mid-afternoon errands around town. As an added bonus, this style is super beneficial for the environment! Look at you, eco-chic and you don’t even know it!

Tip 2: Sequins! So if it’s a little too chilly to go pants-less, but warm enough to still not need pants, shorts are the obvious answer. Sequins are super in this season for men, but the thing to remember is that SIZE MATTERS, and as we all know, BIGGER IS BETTER. You want large sequins, and you want them to cover the grament entirely. Sequined shorts are a really great wardrobe staple because you can pretty much pair them with any basic tank and still look hot.

The tassel from an elaborate curtain makes for a great necklace, as shown here. Oh and don’t forget the gladiator sandals! TOTAL STUD STATUS, but only if you’re keeping up with the weekly pedis!

Tip 3: OLD TIMEY STUFF! Dressing like old timey men from back in the good ol’ fashion days is still pretty good ol’ new fashion too. The trick here is to look grumpy while you strut your classic stuff. The other trick is to not actually wear anything that’s old, because that’s fucking disgusting, who knows what filthy old man balls have been in those slacks! You’re going to want to find a very high end designer that has a “vintage inspired” line. This is going to be an investment, as looking like you’re dressed entirely in your grandfather’s hand-me-downs costs a lot of money when you don’t actually want to be wearing your grandfather’s hand-me-downs, because that’s gross, as I’ve already explained. So prepare to open your billfold and close your heart, because Scrooge chic don’t come easy!

This gentleman is in a foul mood because he can’t find his monocle. Harumph!

Tip 4: DON’T WEAR LEGGINGS. Leggings are for faggots, and by faggots I mean girls, and I think I’ve made it pretty clear that men’s fashion is all about NOT looking gay. Not only are leggings feminine and unflattering, they are hazardous to your health. It’s true. Leggings are the #1 cause of yeast infections in men, just ask Katy Perry’s beard.

If you look closely, you can see the tiny loaf of banana bread rising up due to the high yeast count in his crotch.

Tip 5: Have a “look.” Fashion is like sex, so don’t be afraid to take risks. Having a look is a good way for others to identify you, which can come in handy in big crowds. If you’re the guy in the rainbow poncho with the tiny helicopter on your head, don’t even worry about getting lost in the club.

Papa Gaga will never get separated from HIS posse!

Tip 6: Keep it simple! Why bother with several pieces of clothing when you could just throw on one of these sexy little lightweight onsies! It’s like the romper went to Harvard and got a degree in STYLE. Don’t be afraid to be comfortable AND sleek, it’s a look that can work for anyone. The key is to have the right attitude. If you own it, people will feel that vibe.

It’s important to have good posture when you’re walzting around town in glorified footy pajamas, so keep your back straight and wear shoes with good arch support!

Tip 7: Accessorize from within. You should always go with your gut instinct when it comes to accessorizing. If your first idea is to add a micro-mini over your shiny pants, then go with it! You will totally regret it if you don’t.

Note how he keeps it simple up top with the nude sweater, then totally POPS the outfit down below with a little flash of adventure!

Tip 8: Dress for the event. Themes are great, even if there isn’t an obvious theme set, it’s always fun to just pick your own theme and dress accordingly for any event or party you’re going to. One time I was invited to a kindergarten graduation ceremony, so I did the whole “little girl” look with pig tails and this tiny plaid schoolgirl uniform and I accessorized with one of those big swirly unicorn horn shaped lollipops which I dramatically licked the whole time. I owned that look so hard that I was asked to leave the premises. That’s what fashion does to people, it makes them jealous so people want you to go away so that they can totally try to copy your look while you’re not there. I’m not a diva about it so I’m always like “ok whatevz,” because I think it’s good to try to help people, that’s why I’m giving you guys all these great tips. Like ok say you’re going to your nephew’s little league game, you should make an outfit that SAYS that. Maybe a psychedelic print blazer with matching bowtie, and then accessorize with a bat.

Yeah, pretty sure I know where that guy is going, and you know what? He’s gonna fit right in.

Another good look that says “baseball” is this amazing Tommy Hilfiger shirt I found at Goodwill and cut up to make totally sexy. Check it out!

I am so ready to pretend to care about baseball in that shirt!

Tip 9: Denim on top! Let’s face it, denim is timeless, but the whole jeans look is pretty played out. A great spring/summer look is the denim tube top, and men across the country are really rocking this trend. If you don’t already have one, you can improvise by wearing an old denim skirt up real high on your chest.

Pair it with some fittet trousers and a pair of chucks, throw a blazer over your shoulder, and BOOM, you’re about to be knee deep in respectable woman vagina.

Tip 10: Transition your outfits from day to night. The look you wear in the morning should differ from the looks you wear mid-day and at night. Wearing the same outfit all day is a major faux pas and if you want to be taken seriously, you need to alter your look based on time of day. For example, you go to work in the appropriate work attire, then you come home and change before you go out to run errands and have a casual lunch, then you come home again and change before going out that night.

I picked these three outfits to give you an idea of how to properly transition from day to night. Obviously the first look is a professional office outfit. The second one is just a comfy one piece with some subtle accessories, an easy look for casual lunch or coffee dates. The last look is perfect for going to an Andrew WK themed homecoming dance or whatever your night time plans might be.

So that’s basically it. You now have the tools to look great, but it’s up to you how you’re going to use them. One of my favorite male fashion icons is Joey Lawrence, so if you’re ever unsure about what the latest trends are, I highly suggest just googling him and seeing what he’s doing as far as looking fantastic goes.

BONUS TIP: Buy a stunner suit! The fashion forecast predicts a major flooding of ladie’s panties, due to the influx of men wearing these amazing stunner suits. This is going to be huge VERY SOON, so I recommend stocking up on these while you can. Be the first dude in your neighborhood to rock an original Hunk Wear Stunner Suit and you will know what it feels like to be a mega trend setter. Be warned though, you will be getting a lot of attention from the women, so don’t wear the stunner suit unless you’re ready to score some serious female companionship!

Where yo stunna suit at, bro?

Why do people always say, “Life is too short,” as if their perception of time is somehow going to make your current predicament less severe? Life is not too short, or too long, or just right. Life isn’t a bowl of porridge of your choosing, and your sloppy ass sure as fuck ain’t Goldilocks. Life isn’t a god-damned box of chocolates, and furthermore, only the good parts seem “too short.” Often times the bad parts are so intense that none of the good stuff even matters anymore. So what is the fucking point? We are supposed to look up and discover some magical answer, right?

The great “life solution” sure is a persistent little demon. They should rename suicide, “delayed auto-abortion,” or “masterbortion.” I like to spend my spare-time (which is all of my time) coming up with lulzy ways to write a suicide note. Here are some of my favs:

• I’m dead LOL
• Crossed over to spirit world. WUT IS DIS PLACE, MANG?
• Sorry about my poop.
• Please bury me with all my belongings, pets, friends, and family. And one of the Olsen twins.
• U SAD
• Please get on my Twitter & tweet that I just died & ask them to RT it & #FF me. Posthumous stat boost!
• If you need me, just GPS heaven. WOOT WOOT #AngelStatus
• Call the Guinness Book of Records, I’m about to hold my breath!
• KBAI

Let me know if you are planning on offing yourself and want some help orchestrating a silly note that will surely confuse and, overtime, anger your loved ones. People are such suckers for loss!

Life is a ride, it’s one of those shitty carnival rides that a bunch of drunk idiots put together wrong and it’s all creeky and broken and keeps jerking people around and nobody knows how to make it stop. Life is like a box of chocolates that is full of that Halloween candy that your parents warned you about. Life is a master of disguise, and the good parts happen when it puts in the effort to trick you. If you live with the constant feeling of impending doom, then life gave up on trying to fool you. Congratulations! Welcome to my pity party! You now have free reign to be vulgar & offensive. You can piss people off with purpose and nonchalance, and then blame them for getting upset. The best part of being miserable is making the people around you miserable! You think that’s bad?  This is my life, and it does suck, but shit, bro! What the fuck are you doing with your life? Reading this. Looking in the mirror. Allow me to let you hate yourself. That’s what I do. I make you angry and then ask you what your problem is, but HEY! LIFE IS CRAZY, right?