Court is now in session!
May the honorable Judge Britany now rise!
Please be seated.
I received quite an array of questions since the last post where I asked you to send me questions. The short answer for all of you is that you are crazy. You plead insanity and you are guilty. Congrats! Wait, is this how psychology works? Did I mention I took some pre-law classes in college too? I had a very eclectic stint in college, from which I opted not to graduate, viewing their puny degrees as “below me.” By “below me”, I mean that I didn’t complete even a quarter of the required course work to qualify for a degree. The most important thing I learned while in college took place outside of the classroom, specifically anywhere outside that was not on campus at all. The lesson was that not going to college was more enjoyable than going, and that is something that has stuck with me, and will probably be a beacon of hope for many other young people out there.
Let’s get to the questions, then, shall we?
Question: Hi to you Britany
I write to you to discuss my boners. Boners I have many. I am quite proud. I live in Russia. The temperature is freezing. My question I have no place to put my boners. The attractive woman leave for America and because I am only man in my family I fear I must stay. Only stupid and overweight girls remain. Also ugly and dirty remain. Sometimes my boner will lie and tell them beautiful but my mind says to me no. I fear my boners may be discouraged and leave me. It concerns me much. Once I try to find homes for my boners online but it was much like when I urinate- I find it difficult to stop. The web page do not like this and block free communication weekend.
Please I must work to feed my family and have not time to be in your ward. Nearest vodka plant is 50 kilometer away. Please what must I do?
Much gratuity from ANONYMOUS
Answer: Whoa. My blog has reached RUSSIA level fame. OR someone who is really funny made this up and sent it to me. Either way, this is a win for me. My advice for this man is to purchase one of those pocket pussy things. If unable to obtain said device, try hollowing out an eggplant, smearing some jelly or gravy inside, and microwave it for a minute or so. Then place boner inside. It will be warm and squishy, which is the ideal climate for a boner.
Question: hey it’s me. you may remember me from all those penis ads i did. anyway i got this psycho/emo problem. until recently i had only been in relationships that were emotional abusive, leaving me feeling like i didn’t deserve love nor would anyone ever actually love me for who i am. subsequently leaving me hating myself and despising anyone around me that was happy. what do i do?
also can i see you again, and if so do you want to go to miami with me next weekend?
Answer: This is one of those issues that can only be solved with a stern punching to the head. I would also like to inform you that you are a homosexual. Your actual problem lies in the fact that you are denying yourself of your one true pleasure, and that is ding dongs, and kissing them. Ding dong kisses. That’s what you like.
Oh and yes let’s go to Miami and pick up hot dudes.
Question: i just cant seem to get the shit stains out of my underwear
can u help?
Answer: No, I cannot help. I can, however, let you in on a clever word people like to call these “shit stains” you seem to have trouble with. Skidmarks. BOOM I’m like your personal fuckin’ thesaurus up in this bitch. Oh and you are also gay. GOOD DAY, SIR!
Question: Dear Major of Boner Town,
I seem to have quite a perdicament on my hands. This travesty came in to my life very suddenly and has haunted me since. I got pulled over by a police officer. Trooper to be exact. But, I was pulled over for having a headlight out. No, biggy. I was being a little careless recently, as I once would drive with my brights on at night as to sidestep a situation as such. Nonetheless, I got a fix-it ticket for it. Still, no real problem. However, for reasons still not quite exactly known this officer decides that he would like to search my vehicle. I kindly attempted to persuade him otherwise. When he informed me that he had a K-9 in his car with him and would instead kindly walk the dog around my car. Turns out, I was carrying a glass pipe that still had a little bit of marijuana loaded into it. So he asked, after mentioning the dog, that if I would like to tell him about anything to go ahead and do it now. So, to avoid lying to a cop (which is something I would not suggest doing unless you have a hiding spot that neither man nor canine can reveal) I handed over the pipe assuring him there was nothing else being hid in my car. Now here is the part that gets me the most. I am currently attending Western Kentucky University. I rely heavily on the support of Financial Aid, which very much so prefer to help people without criminal records of any sort. Neither of my parents know, which will remain that way. And will probably cease to be so supportive, especially when it comes to school finances. So, please. Humor me. A the shit out of this. Please.
Answer: First of all, I am the MAYOR of this hurr Boner Palace, not the major. I mean, I am a major hottie, if that’s what you were referring to. Haha REFERring to. GET IT? That was a clever pun brought to your brain by the power of my intellect. Listen, you have a lot of problems. First, there’s this weed thing, then you spelled ‘predicament’ wrong, your comma placement is erratic, and you also straight up don’t make sense at some points. I feel ya, mang, we all got probz, ya dig? The problem with YOUR problem is that it’s too big. It’s totally harshin’ my mellow and tippin’ my bonger. You know what I like to do when my problems get too big? Toke up a big fatty dookie blunt. It’s called marijuana, kid, and you need to get hip to what I’m smokin’. If not now, then when? When you’re out of college and living some totally stable life with like a steady job and a righteous pad? CHYEEAHH RIGHT Smash those dreams, brah, because it’s 4:19 and I’m packin’ a bowl. Meet me in a minute over in the parking lot behind Home Depot, where I will be shopping later for some sweet PVC pipes and shit to make like this mega awesome steam roller bong. If that don’t work I can just put a shotgun in your mouth. Wait, I mean like, blow you a shotgun. That’s a weed thing, right? Look, what I’m trying to say is that you should move to California, get a medical marijuana card, obtain some fuckin’ bomb ass gritchy, then put that in your pipe, and smoke it.
Question: I have a problem I think. My donger is so amazing and brings so much pleasure to the ladies I fear those who experience it will never be satisfied with another donger ever again. I have nightmares about how many women have been ruined by my exceptional coital technique. Should I never make love to a woman again?
Answer: You should definitely stop making love to women… and start making love to men! That’s right, my friend, it’s true. Come on out of that closet and let’s go shopping! Buy some new outfits, because honey, you are FIERCE. Work it, boy!
Question: How do you trick someone into a relationship with you before they realize how crazy you are? AND how do you keep them after they realize that you’re totally crazy? Please expedite your answer because I have a date tomorrow and think I might want to snag this one.
Answer: You just pretend to NOT be crazy in the beginning. Don’t let him know how loony you really are until you have that dick on lock. DO NOT sign a prenup. Um, let’s see, what else? OH make sure you look really cute on the date, because dudes hate ugly. If you are REALLY hot, which you probably are because you read this blog, then you can actually get away with being pretty fucking crazy for a while. Men are stupid and just want arm candy to go out clubbing with and shit. Good luck!