As you may have heard, there is a big pretend panic going on over these alleged “Terror Babies,” which are foreign babies being born in America so as to have dual citizenship and then be brought back to their homeland, and then 20 years later, come back to America and terrorize the fuck out of us. The joke, however, is totally on them because we have already been doing that and our terror babies will DESTROY their terror babies. In fact, underground Terror Baby Rings have been hosting baby battles for years now, and USA is still NUMBER 1.
Check out this hilarious video of Anderson Cooper (my other boyfriend) debating with Louie Gohmert (State Representative of USA’s retard capital, Texas) about the supposed threat to America’s security by none other than FOREIGN INFANTS.
Firstly, I’d like to address the issue of the face of the woman in the beginning of the video. This, ladies, is why you shouldn’t get botox and facelifts. It is also why you shouldn’t be an idiot Republican, or ya know, fear an attack of mongrel babies. Secondly, Gohmert’s defense that this rumor of terror babies is “on the internet” is a pretty good argument. You should definitely believe everything you read on the internet, always. Thirdly, and most importantly, I believe we need to focus less on the prospect of “terror babies” and more on the actual epidemic known as “toilet babies.”
That “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” show on TLC has led me to believe that there is an alarming number of babies being born in toilets to completely incompetent mothers. These women somehow manage to not be in tune with their bodies at all, to the point of being able to unknowingly carry a child inside of them for 9 months. Now THAT is fucking terrifying. Then they assume they have to take a shit one day and SURPRISE they just laid a baby in the toilet! They then proceed to go on national television and tell the story of their ridiculous stupidity, and always conclude it by referring to their toilet baby as nothing short of a “miracle.”
Furthermore, all babies are kind of scary. That’s just nature’s way of warning us that we should stop making them. Most of them don’t even want to be here. You can tell by how they are always crying and whining and playing with guns.
So let’s all just give this terror baby thing a rest. We have actual problems to worry about, like what is going on with Heidi Montag’s face and why Tila Tequila was even at whatever the fuck a Juggalo concert is. This is America, people! We know what we’re doing. We know how to raise terror babies too, so IN YO FACE IRAQ OR WHEREVER IT IS THAT THIS ADORABLE KID IS FROM
