It’s been a while since I updated because I am so pregnant all the time. Plus I have become so overwhelmingly attractive that it’s difficult to not just stare at a full-length mirror all day. My body is like this amazing bulbous creature. You know how men like “curvy” women? Well I have pretty much redefined their wildest fantasy. I’m beyond curvy, I’m lumpy and parts of my body protrude in nearly every direction! I’m like a whole new breed of sexy, basically. I know this for a fact because when I go out in public, people cannot stop looking at me. At first it was annoying but now I realize that I just posses such an unattainable level of beauty that people have to stop what they are doing and take it all in because it’s probably the only chance they’ll ever have to bestow their peasant eyes on this caliber of babe. So now I’m just like, “Yeah ok you can take a picture.”
I made some new artwork to illustrate my stages of pregnancy. I think I’m in my second or third semester now. It gets confusing because you have to keep up with time and all this stuff but I’m so busy taking naps and overeating, so like I had been telling people I was 19 weeks along for like 5 weeks and then I was like, “Wait a minute! I forgot about how time works!” I’m on top of it now because I went and wrote all the weeks down in my planner. I celebrated my 21st week by getting very drunk, because my baby was 21 and we all know 21 is synonymous with PARTY! So here is what I remember about week 21:
Remember when I said it was probably a boy baby? Well I was just using reverse psychology on my uterus because I wanted a girl, and guess what IT TOTALLY WORKED! (My uterus is subscribed to my blog.) So I am having a girl baby, which means I currently am housing TWO VAGINAS, which explains a lot about why I’m so extra pretty lately. So if you want to know if you’re prettier than me, I made this quiz you can take to figure it out:
So after I found out that my baby was a girl, that’s when I really started to get that double vagina glow. Around week 25 I noticed that men couldn’t keep their eyes off of my belly. Some other changes started happening too like my belly button was getting really wide and shallow. This has basically saved time on bathing because I don’t have to put extra effort into cleaning it out because it’s pretty much all exposed now. Here is a drawing so you can get a better idea of week 25:
My baby is starting to inherit some of my skills such as art. She is probably like 4 or 5 years old now and wears cute outfits with little French berets and other artsy stuff like she probably goes to cafes and drinks tea and stuff like that. She is probably bombarded with boyfriends too. Anyway enough about her, let’s get back to me. So around week 28 I notice that not only is it men checking me out all the time, but now WOMEN are joining in. At this point I’m like, “What is going on here?” So I go home and look in a mirror and it hits me: I am so pretty! I guess something about all my extra vagina hormones is probably making ladies subconscious be all lezbo and stuff. Here is a very accurate representation of week 28:
So that is pretty much how things have been going for me lately. Oh another thing that recently happened is that I fell down and hurt my foot really bad. Pregnancy has given me the agility of an intoxicated toddler. I lose my footing out of nowhere all the time. Sometimes I’ll just be standing up and then I stumble on nothing. It’s super funny and really makes tons of sense about how fucking retarded mother nature is. I’m sure this whole experience would have been way more difficult if I hadn’t had my basic motor skills swapped out for the enormous responsibility of carrying another life. I can’t wait to see what my body has in store for me after I have the baby. Maybe I’ll lose mobility in my arms and go deaf, surely those things would make for optimal infant care!