Keeping It Real, With Babies

I know. I KNOW. It has been a long time. You have missed me SO MUCH! I’ve barely thought about you because my life is so much more interesting. What a balanced relationship we have, that’s why this works. You wait with bated breath for me to slam my fingers around on a keyboard while I lounge around in week old pajamas coated in vomit and urine with a soundtrack of a screaming baby playing on repeat in the background. Motherhood is just glamorous that way.

The thing is, it’s unimaginably time consuming & difficult. Especially for people like me that have no previous experience, knowledge, or capacity to care about babies. Like for example, I had no idea that having a baby would affect my sleep schedule. The first night we brought her home I was like “WHAT THE HELL? TAKE IT BACK. I WANT A REFUND.” I require so much sleep. Like I am pretty sure that I am a cat puppeting this human body. I need 12 hours a night MINIMUM to feel alright enough to get up and not immediately search for items to kill myself with. But that’s simply no longer an option, I mean the sleeping 12 hours part.. the suicide part is DEFINITELY still an option and that window of opportunity grows bigger & brighter every day. I am so stressed out all the time. I’m losing my hair, which is not from stress so much as it is from tiny fingers violently ripping it out of my head on a daily basis. Quinn has also started teething, so we are back to those newborn days where I am awaken every 2 hours with blood-curdling screams. The difference now, however, is that she is virtually inconsolable. At least when she was a newborn all you had to do was plug a bottle into her face & the screaming would pause for a couple hours. Now we have to hold her down and try to squirt Motrin in her mouth without her projectile vomiting it back up. Oh but it’s such an experience. People say it’s worth it, and they’re right. Because as much as it sucks, it would still suck a lot more to go to prison for flushing it down the toilet like an unwanted carnival prize.. and that’s worth all the sleep you’ll never get in the world! Plus there are these fun parts, like dressing them up like bumble bees..

Quinny Bee

When she sleeps it is really awesome. Sometimes it’s so quiet I forget all about how screamy & terrible it is the rest of the time. Just kidding. You never forget. You spend the rare moments of naptime bliss quietly trying to do things like get dressed or eat. You tip toe around your own house as if you’re trying to escape from some horrible nightmare where you’ve been held captive by a monster that plans to rape you to death as soon as he wakes up. Sometimes you will start something like laundry or dishes, and you will get approximately 75% of that task completed before you are beckoned back to whiney village where you are not allowed to do anything other than try to keep a baby from screaming. I used to try to shower, but the screaming is so relentless that I’ve found it easier to just forgo bathing until someone else is there to ensure that I can shave the 4 inches of hair from my armpits in peace. It’s a similar situation with eating. Basically, Master Baby says I’m not allowed to eat. Anything. Ever. If I’m caught sneaking nutrients, Master screams at me until I share. If I need to go pee or take a shit (which is rare bc I don’t eat) Master Baby must accompany me and several toys must be provided so as to keep Master distracted enough to stop trying to touch the toilet seat, kitty litter box, cleaning products under the sink, etc.

All this strife is supposed to have some big payoff someday, though. So I’m giving her 8 years to get her shit together. If the child acting dreams that I’ll be indoctrinating in her don’t work out, then she’s gonna have to start pulling her own strings. She shouldn’t have any trouble landing gigs considering how gorgeous she is. She’s already getting a lot of attention from modeling agencies based on her new headshot alone:

There's my chippy!

Who could resist that face? If my baby can’t be the next Lindsay Lohan, then we will just all have to accept that the American dream really is dead.

Having a baby really is an adventure though. The only thing that it’s lacking is PRIZES. I have accumulated so many rewards in my brain from all the restraint I’ve shown in not throwing mine outside to live in the forest and be raised/eaten alive by squirrels/zombie squirrels (let’s not pretend we know what’s going on out there). For all their faults, babies are cute. Well I mean, MINE is. Some babies are not cute and those moms really deserve some consolation prizes. Being adorable is my kid’s saving grace. If she was hideous AND screaming all the time I’d be like, “GREAT, now I have to find someone to teach you how to have a redeeming personality.” I mean really, when do the chores end? I carried you inside of me for 9 months, and squeezed you out of my fachina.. I believe my work here is done. AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

I don’t want to discourage any of you from procreating, though. Babies are really awesome!! In fact, most days, I want another baby. And by “another” I mean “instead of” and by “baby” I mean “cat.”

Welp, if this sucks it’s because someone screamed at me while I banged it out. So until next time… I’ll be scraping shit off of my kid’s back. <3

Published in: on June 27, 2012 at 11:01 am  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. welp, im terrified.

  2. I’m definitely feel for you. My son is 6 months and he has instilled in me restraint I never knew I had like. He does have some magic powers though like never managing to keep his shit in his diapers and being a natural deterrent from having more kids mainly because he always wakes up whenever the old lady and I try and get frisky.

  3. “You tip toe around your own house as if you’re trying to escape from some horrible nightmare where you’ve been held captive by a monster that plans to rape you to death as soon as he wakes up.”

    That’s why I’ve missed this blog.

  4. Best baby post. This makes me never want to have a baby but since I am such a dick to myself and do the opposite of what rationality says, I will probably end up with one of those, preferably squeezed out of someone else’s regina,


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