My Juices Are Weird

So I started this thing where I get paid to reply to lonely men on the internet via this dating site thing.. I know this sounds really legit & like, professional. ANYWAY, as you might imagine, I become bored with acting normal bc it is just sooooo boring to be all “oh hi, you have big muscles tee-hee-hee” all the time. Sometimes I become weirdly resentful of how dumb shit like this is what women do for money (but mostly my mindset is that it’s awesome bc really ONLY women can make money doing easy shit like this) but also sometimes it’s just a huge inner debate with myself over if I’m being true to my feminist beliefs or just aiding in the perpetuation of the objectification of women?? Then I realize that this very conversation taking place inside my brain is actually PROOF that I am doing okay bc most of the women doing this are probably slutty stripper airheads. If there’s one thing that feminists are good at, it’s calling other women dumb whores! Or is that just women? Oh, who knows anymore.. the vagina is still a mystery to me. So I recently submitted this reply before totally realizing how hilarious & insane it was. The guy seemed nice enough & normal but I just let my juices flow and well, my juices are weird, man. I mean I just want you to start from the top again and understand the thought process that I experience before I do things. Like, all things. Even small things. I am so OCD sometimes that I don’t get anything done. For example, I haven’t updated this blog in months. Like multiple months. I don’t even know how many. I would take a guess but guessing gives me anxiety. Do you just want to like, read the thing I was trying to tell you about? Ok here:

“Thanks for the kind words. How old are you? You look really in shape. I need to get on that getting fit bandwagon. Sometimes I work out but then I get too proud & reward myself with like 1000 cakes. Then I cry about what a gluttonous slob I’ve become. It’s just a momentary lapse though, I always bounce back to barely eating anything just like a real girl is supposed to. Sometimes I don’t eat anything for days just because I don’t even want to think about pooping. It’s so annoying, like why do we even waste time doing that? Seems like science should have come up with some way for us to be able to not need to poop anymore, ya know?”

So maybe eventually I won’t get money for doing ridiculously easy things because I can’t even handle that.. it’s almost like it’s too easy so I’ve made it exceptionally difficult or gone out of my way to get fired from something that is probably too stupid to even get fired from. Eventually I’ll probably just build a rocket ship or invent new ways to breathe. 

Published in: on January 15, 2013 at 12:40 am  Comments (8)  

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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. NICE!

  2. you could invent a way to not poop! although i gotta say, a big poop is one of the most satisfying things in this world.

  3. you could sell stuff you wear to those same lonely guys

  4. It breaks my heart that you have a child and think this is an acceptable means to get money to raise her. Combine that with the fact you’re getting government assistance AND dragging that poor child of yours along for the ride. Grow up. Your kid deserves it.

    • It breaks my heart that you waste your time being a sexist, classist buffoon who reads my blog regularly just so they can judge someone that they don’t even know. What government assistance am I on? Because that’s news to me. Did I miss the blog about me mentioning governement assistance? Because literally, never in the history of BONER TOWN, have I mentioned a thing about that, so where would you even come up with this shit? Not that there’s anything wrong with government assistance, I mean who the fuck cares if someone is getting financial AID? Unless someone is taking money from your ugly ass Dooney & Burke wallet, then that shit isn’t affecting you, and if you have an issue with the American government assisting its citizens then maybe you need to get the fuck out of MY country, bitch.. cuz I am down with that shit. Helping people is nothing to ridicule or make shameful for anyone, being a greedy heartless judgemental nutcase who spends their time obsessing over people on social media networks.. THAT’S something to be ashamed of. Even if I were getting assistance, what “ride” is that taking my child on? The ride of getting well-fed? Yeah.. poor bb. And what exactly is “unacceptable” about getting paid to send messages to people? Maybe you should mind your own business and consider shutting the fuck up when it comes to things that don’t pertain to you in any way whatsoever. I don’t care what kind of line of work someone is in, so long as it’s legal & working for them. It changes nothing about a person’s worth, intellect, or capacity to be a parent. If you are a stripper, that means 1 thing: you make money as a stripper. There are no other conclusions to draw from someone’s occupation. Take a look around, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? Not everyone is doing & thinking the same dumb shit as you, and the Internet is the biggest, brightest, most shiny example of that, so maybe you should just log off now cuz ur done.

      • You’re right. I am so stupid sometimes & my life is just so boring & pointless that I spend most of my time checking up on you. I also check up on Christopher Futrell (his twitter is @cvfutrell & he works at SILO, a bar & restaurant in Germantown, Nashville area and he lives with his little sister, Elizabeth Grace Futrell & her husband.. bc he can’t get his own life together and stop squatting on people’s couches) a lot which is how I found your blog, because you had posted his tweet where he said the gross thing about wishing you had died in childbirth. He is really a piece of shit, but I still check up on him for some reason I dunno why, I guess I should get my own life.. but nobody really likes me because I have really stupid opinions and am generally a giant dipshit. I’m also really unattractive and overweight which is why I call other people ugly & fat all the time. I only judge others based on my own insecurities, I know it’s not right, but I just can’t seem to get a grasp on how to live a normal life and be a decent person. Anyway, I’ll leave you alone now.. sorry I made myself look like such a neurotic fool.

    • You struck a nerve

  5. The comments gave me too many feelings in my tummy.

    But, you left out the best part of the blog! What did the lonely online guy you were chatting with have to say to all that information? I would have said hey baby, ill give you 1000 cakes! Ill squish them all over your young little body, or something else really sexy.


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