HAHA that was soooo crazy! It was like, I grewed it inside my belly forever, then BOOM I got to spend 13 hours in a hospital trying to poop it out. Anyway, I still totally have that baby. She is actually a child now, and probably an adult in some countries. She’s 18 months old, or 1.5 years, or 93$h846uy20jgo4w8 quadraloops (if you’re familiar with the time lapse continuum structures on Mars). She walks and talks (mostly jibberish) and entertains the shit out of me. She also drives the proverbial shit out of me. It’s a delicate double-edged serrated spiral saw blade type of relationship where sometimes I’m overjoyed by her presence, and sometimes I just want a goddamned moment of peace. I’m a stay-at-home-all-the-fucking-time-and-try-to-entertain-a-toddler mom, and I used to internally chuckle at women who acted like being a mom was sooo hard.. like bitch what the hell is so hard about sitting at home with a kid all day? TRY ROCKET SCIENCE. But man.. it’s true. Being a mom is hard. It’s not technically difficult in the way that doing 20 push-ups every hour is not hard to figure out, but it’s fucking exhausting and mentally draining and after a year of doing it you are still waiting for a break. I lived nearly 26 years having basically no real responsibilities. I’ve never felt attached to anything I’ve done in a way where I feel that I have to do it, like there are literally no other options. I’ve always held jobs that I could easily quit without much concern. If I quit one job, I can always get another. BUT if you quit being a mom, I don’t even know.. just a lot of bad.. wait, what the fuck does happen if I quit? I mean I guess I could make another baby, but I’ve already put so much time into this one. I guess people do quit being moms, but they look like giant selfish assholes, and obviously I am very concerned about people not thinking I’m an asshole. Wait.. I am already a giant asshole. So what am I doing here? What is it that keeps me from quitting?? I guess I like it. OMG don’t tell anyone I said that. My street cred will not survive if I go around saying I like being a mom. There are moments that I don’t like, though. There are moments where I’m like “HOLY HELL WHAT HORRIBLE DECISION HATH I CURSED UPON MY WOMB???” And that’s ok & normal & makes me an even better mom than lying ass bitch moms that act like it’s all cuddles & giggles. Get the hell outta here with your robotic Stepford bullshit. I don’t care how patient and understanding you think you are, a year of barely sleeping & incessant screaming will wear you the fuck down. Research even shows that having children decreases your lifespan. The more you have, the more years get ticked off your life. So it’s clinically unhealthy, and no fucking wonder. It’s the most non-stop, demanding thing and it completely consumes your life. I guess it doesn’t HAVE to, you could always just not care about doing a good job at it and say “fuck this” and go be like Jenelle from Teen Mom 2. But that’s gross and doesn’t look very appealing. For all it’s fuckery, I know that I would be a lot less happy without my work as a mom. Hanging out with friends all night & sleeping all day never really had much payoff in the end. I never sat back and thought, “I really accomplished something important today when I played Mario Party for 4 hours.” I never would have thought I’d end a day still in pajamas, looking like shit, and feel like I did anything productive either, but that’s pretty much my life now. I handle a lot of shit, both figuratively & literally, and I don’t get paid for it, and I still have tons of other problems that go along with just being a woman, and a human, and I juggle all that crap and I make it look good, too. The only reason I even got to write all this is because I’ve been feeding my kid chocolate chips next to me to keep her distracted long enough to not close my laptop or press all the buttons or spontaneously combust. Cuz that’s what moms gotta do. U KNOW IT’S HARD OUT HERE 4 A MOM.
For the record, I wouldn’t do it again. HAHA jk I would. Probably. Maybe. If there was money involved.