How To: America

If you haven’t heard/read about the US bombing that took place in Afghanistan yesterday, here’s a brief synopsis in the form of a conversation I made up to basically explain what happened:

US: We launched a missile but it went the wrong way, we don’t know where it landed LOL WHOOPS               ¯\(°_o)/¯

Afghanistan: A missile killed 30 people attending a wedding here.

US: Oh, really? We shot a missile and it misfired and went somewhere, but we don’t know where, and aren’t trying to figure it out either.

Afghanistan: So this was probably your erroneous missile then?

US: There’s no way to be sure so let’s just move on.

Yup, that’s some fine American detective work, huh? The US is admitting that they did indeed launch a missile that did not go to where they claim to have targeted it, but they have no clue where it did go. When Afghanistan informed them of a missile hitting a village and killing 30 civilians at a wedding ceremony, they said that they cannot be certain if that was their MIA missile or not. Essentially, they are going on record with a, “my bad,” which is pretty much admitting fault, except that they add a rhetorical, “but really, who knows?” at the end to avoid actually taking the blame. It’s a pretty strategic move, if your idea of strategy is derived from the behavior of a 9 year old trying to skirt out of getting in trouble with his mom. It’s like a really drunk law student & a super tired wordsmith collaborated with my niece and decided that “well yeah, but not really,” was a valid explanation for an accident that killed people. I’m not sure you understand what I’m saying here, so I’m going to give you a few more examples of American strategy.

It’s like if I stabbed you in the eye, but when the police came I explained that I was simply waving a knife around haphazardly and only intended to stab the air near and around your face, so if my knife struck your eye, it was an accident, but also I cannot take blame because it could have been something else completely, like maybe another person with super-human lightening speed (possibly Superman but I don’t want to point fingers) came in and stabbed you coincidentally around the same time that I was aggressively whipping my knife around. Then the police agreed that there was no way to be sure of what happened exactly, so I’m free to go. With my knife.

It’s like if I found $20 in your wallet and decided to keep it because I don’t understand how to process logic.

It’s like.. ok ok I’m done. If you don’t get it, I can rifle off more examples. Tweet me (@britanypracchia) for details on how to strategize, American style. 

So then there was also these explosions in Boston at a marathon that took place on the same day as this missile mishap (omg what if that’s where it went? Holy shit, did the US accidentally bomb Boston from a launching point in Afghanistan? It might be possible, but I guess we’ll never know.) The Boston incident is just as tragic (I guess, I mean it only had like 2 casualties & they had 30 but I don’t remember the algorithm for determining if 2 American lives are worth more, less, or the same as 30 Afghani lives so whatever we’ll just call it even since I’m white) and it sucks and it’s terrifying and it’s shaken our precious American sense of security and got our terrorism hysteria all in a tizzy and we are waving our freedom flags maniacally because we think that’s important for one reason or another. Despite all the chaos it has brought us, I think we can all agree that whoever is responsible for those explosions needs to just come forward so we can begin to gain some closure on this tragic event, especially if it was a mistake. Even if it wasn’t a mistake, just act like it was, I mean who’s gonna prove it either way? Investigate an explosion that killed people to figure out the cause? pfffffffttt AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Am I right, America?

So whoever did the Boston explosions, if (wink wink) it was an accident, just say “whoops” and we will call it history. If America can oops-out of killing 30 civilians, then surely whoever is responsible for the blunder at the marathon can issue a heart-felt “WHOOPS-A-DOODLEZ” and we can all forgive & forget, right? Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes fatally injure 2 or 30 people, but that doesn’t mean we need to admit the damage caused by the mistake or display an ounce of moral integrity over the death of non-US citizens that was probably totally our fault and we are basically saying so but not directly because accepting blame is not in our agenda.

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Nailed it.

  2. Its like if a Hellfire missile accidentally fell out of the Predator drone I was remotely controlling from a secret base in —–, USA…whoops.

  3. Superb post however I was wanting to know if you could write a litte more on this topic?

    I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit further. Thank you!


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