When boners fail…

I’ve encountered a lot of boners over the years. You know, long ones, even longer ones, super mega long ones, and ones you could anchor a yacht with. My boner list is long (I mean it’s a short list, but entirely composed of big ol’ giant ding-a-lings that make you go “HEYOOOOH!”) enough that I feel like I have comprised the empirical research needed to conduct a qualitative scientific analysis. Haha I said anal! Talkin’ ’bout da backdoor. lol buttsecks! JK JK we aren’t talking about that today.. maybe next time. *WINK WINK*

Let’s get back to the boners. Not all boners are alike. Some are longer or more longer than other long ones. Basically though they’re all the same. Vaginas, now those are some unique snowflakes. Some are mine, and others aren’t. Mostly I’m just familiar with mine, and it is quite an intricate puzzle of skin and secretions. Sure, I’ve seen others.. but mine is the one I care about the most. If you own a vagina, I hope you feel the same way. It’s important to take time to focus on what makes your own bomb go boom. It often takes more than just a boner in the ol’ lady tunnel to really get me there, and I suspect I’m not alone. Ain’t no shame in bringing in some battery powered backup. Whatever gets those inner muscles spasming, girl, go on wit it.

If this is the case with you, I’m sure you know how frustrating it can be. That’s why I’ve come up with my quick list of go-to toys that I use, whether with myself or with whatever dude I’ve currently got handcuffed to my bathroom sink. It helps me, maybe it will help you, too? And if you don’t share this problem… if you’re one of those lucky ladies who can just win in bed every time, just imagine how extra victorious you could be with a little extra somethin-somethin in the form of a magical feel good device! I’m talking double, triple, quadruple times the shiney giney! That puddin cup will be gleaming from here to Nantucket, and even a little northeast of there (Nova Scotia).

The Rabbit Vibrator
You’ve only been hearing about this vibrator since it appeared on Sex in the City back in the late 90’s, but there’s good reason. This is the only vibrator you’ll ever need. It’s magical. It runs on carrots. It twists, turns, speeds up, slows down and covers all your bases. There have been a lot of knock-offs (most of them look like dolphins) made over the years and they work, but the best will always be the original Rabbit. WUTZ UP, DOC?

G-Spot Vibrator
I dig this one because I have the hardest time achieving these babies. Sometimes I’m like, “Whoa is that a baby in my vagina or am I just happy to do me?” They don’t come often (pun totz intended) with myself and never show up for the main event (cock fight), but I can HOLLA AT A G-spot orgasm any day with one of these. Designed specifically to target the greatest one inch section of your body (unless you’re a man, in which case it’s the prostate), this toy makes it easy to find your g-spot and let it loose.

Discrete Vibrators
A discrete vibrator is a vibrator that is designed to look like something else, you know, like a tube of lipstick or toothpaste, a rubber duck, or an old school Nokia cell phone that has serious vibrating power. These come in handy when you’re traveling because TSA won’t know the difference, nor will your suitcase prying little cousins. And it’s also easy to throw into your purse and whip out when ur gettin’ yo freak on & be like “HOLD UP HOMIE, let me get my lipstick out and reapply to my vagina for the remainder of this encounter.” He will be none the wiser. Adam and Eve has a really fun collection of these toys. It’s fun to see how many people you can trick into thinking ur not masturbating when you’re actually totally masturbating. I’m always like “Hey neighbor, guess what I’m doing right now.” She never guesses that I’m getting my clit hard with a discreet vibrator, but that’s pretty much always what I’m doing. Haha GOT YA lady in 4C who always checks her mail in pajamas!

Ben Wa Balls
So I have to admit, I didn’t know what these were until I watched Nia get one lodged inside her on The Real World: Portland. I was very curious. I was even a little scared. But upon discovering their magic, I’m telling you, I go Ben-Wa-Balls-to-the-wall crazy with these vag nuggets! The fun thing is that you can use ben wa balls with yourself or with your man-friend. They have many uses including personal funtime, interpersonal funtime, and feminine fitness. I’ve been using them to work on my kegels for about 2 months, and now I can crush a can inside me!

Sometimes you need a little help, and sometimes you just want it because turning your orifice into a boner Slip N’ Slide is just as awesome as it sounds. It’s also great to pair with your toys, just be sure to get the water-based kind, as silicone based lube can’t be paired with every kind of sex toy or condom and oil-based lube can end in a tragic infection. That ain’t tartar sauce, ladies!

So there you have it. Maybe you’re not like me or maybe you are, doesn’t matter because this list can make everyone’s sex life a little more fun!

Go forth & do the sex things with all these amazing sex enhancing sex things.

Published in: on June 10, 2013 at 3:20 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. I’m gonna have to share this. This is on some Caramel Jones-level shit.

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