BONER TOWN wit britany p.

I did it! I gave all the births! On october 4th 2011, Boner Town ushered in its newest citizen: Quinn Elise Pracchia. I was induced because my baby was being anorexic or something. I was 38 weeks and she was still measuring at 36 so it was time for this booger to get sneezed out. Despite being induced with pitocin and a Foley balloon catheter (the worst part of the whole ordeal), I managed to deliver without an epidural. I wanted to go as natural as possible and in retrospect, I have no idea how I managed it, but I did, and therefore I am better than the average woman. I would DESTROY pretty much anyone in a birth off. So now that I am an expert on everything, I want to tell you all about how to have a baby if you happen to accidentally get pregnant like I did which is the smartest thing you can do for your vagina.

First of all, you need to have a topnotch bagina. You probably have a gross one but whatever do some exercise and go get a brazilian. Babies only like to slide out of pretty vaginas, so if you think you are going to just neglect your junk and have an easy birth you are sorely mistaken. I did labia curls 6 times a week to prep my glambox for its big debut. I also had my butthole darkened (bleaching is so last year) and got a permanent landing strip tattoo. Vaginas are like the new eyebrows, so you want to strip all the hair off and then replace it with ink to give it the illusion of the stuff you just took off of it. If being beautiful wasn’t so confusing then stupid people would be doing it. Also, it doesn’t hurt to have a small baby (literally). Mine was 5lbs. That’s like a bag of sugar, so you can practice giving birth by having sex with a bag of sugar. Look how excited my little bag of sugar is..

Next, you need to choose a name for your spawn. Go with something unique but not too stupid. Don’t name it after your favorite fruit or relative, that’s just plain silly. Don’t take it that seriously though, because you risk coming up with something really unoriginal like Sooki or Reba. If you are picking a boy name, go with something really masculine like Renée. The one thing I learned after having my baby was that the name isn’t really that important because you just call it “the baby” for like, ever. I went with Quinn for my baby. It’s cool because it has a Q and rhymes with WIN. My one regret is not going with something “more black” like NyQuilitta or Aquaquinipha. But whatever, I can save those names for my future cats.

Ah cats. That brings me to my next tip. After you have your baby, don’t have any more babies. Only more cats. Yes, babies are cute and funny and all that special fuzzy stuff… but they also do a lot of shitty stuff like shit, and stuff. Cats are just warm and fuzzy and cuddly and if they annoy you and you put them outside, you won’t be arrested. Yes, being arrested can be invigorating and down right liberating, but it’s also shitty and the opposite of liberating. So take a page out of Casey Anthony’s book and don’t go to prison!

Hmm what else? I’m only 2 months into this whole motherhood thing so I’m still coming to terms with what an amazingly brilliant parent I am. Oh you know what’s fun to do with babies? DRESS THEM UP! I often go days without showering and wearing the same spit-up covered pajamas, but my baby gets the luxury of having multiple wardrobe changes every day. Since being pregnant makes you fat, I pretty much spent all my time and money during the final months of pregnancy buying clothes for my baby. Typically I’d buy clothes for me, because I used to be fun to dress.. but then I got all enormous and frustrating to dress. Babies are always fun to dress though, even fat ones because a fat baby is still a really small person, and as we all know, small people are HOT PEOPLE! I secretly hoped that I’d have a midget baby, even though there aren’t any midget genes in either mine or my babydaddy’s family. Midget babies are really cute though, Google them! So yeah, dressing up your baby is a fun way of wasting all your free time. Here’s my little turkey (plus my adorbz babydaddy boyfriend) celebrating her first Thanksgiving..

I don’t have any more tips right now but I do want to share some interesting facts about my baby. She is really super ultra mega adorable (I know I know, that’s not a surprise considering the magnificent vagina she was expelled from). But for realz she is probably the cutest baby there ever was. You could solve world hunger with her cuteness. You could end wars with my baby’s cheeks. No lie. PLUS she was born with an abnormally high level of street cred because my womb was blessed by the ghost of Tupac Shakur, and you can totally tell because she looks just like him.

It’s cool and everything but she is always talking real ghetto and telling me how she “runs Compton.” I try to make cutesy baby talk at her but she just throws up gang signs and shits herself. She’s a regular lil’ hoodrat. The other day she told me to go buy her REAL CIGARETTES.

Anywayz doe, that’s about all the baby info I have for now. Check back soon for some more great parenting tips!

It’s been a while since I updated because I am so pregnant all the time. Plus I have become so overwhelmingly attractive that it’s difficult to not just stare at a full-length mirror all day. My body is like this amazing bulbous creature. You know how men like “curvy” women? Well I have pretty much redefined their wildest fantasy. I’m beyond curvy, I’m lumpy and parts of my body protrude in nearly every direction! I’m like a whole new breed of sexy, basically. I know this for a fact because when I go out in public, people cannot stop looking at me. At first it was annoying but now I realize that I just posses such an unattainable level of beauty that people have to stop what they are doing and take it all in because it’s probably the only chance they’ll ever have to bestow their peasant eyes on this caliber of babe. So now I’m just like, “Yeah ok you can take a picture.”

I made some new artwork to illustrate my stages of pregnancy. I think I’m in my second or third semester now. It gets confusing because you have to keep up with time and all this stuff but I’m so busy taking naps and overeating, so like I had been telling people I was 19 weeks along for like 5 weeks and then I was like, “Wait a minute! I forgot about how time works!” I’m on top of it now because I went and wrote all the weeks down in my planner. I celebrated my 21st week by getting very drunk, because my baby was 21 and we all know 21 is synonymous with PARTY! So here is what I remember about week 21:

Remember when I said it was probably a boy baby? Well I was just using reverse psychology on my uterus because I wanted a girl, and guess what IT TOTALLY WORKED! (My uterus is subscribed to my blog.) So I am having a girl baby, which means I currently am housing TWO VAGINAS, which explains a lot about why I’m so extra pretty lately. So if you want to know if you’re prettier than me, I made this quiz you can take to figure it out:

So after I found out that my baby was a girl, that’s when I really started to get that double vagina glow. Around week 25 I noticed that men couldn’t keep their eyes off of my belly. Some other changes started happening too like my belly button was getting really wide and shallow. This has basically saved time on bathing because I don’t have to put extra effort into cleaning it out because it’s pretty much all exposed now. Here is a drawing so you can get a better idea of week 25:

My baby is starting to inherit some of my skills such as art. She is probably like 4 or 5 years old now and wears cute outfits with little French berets and other artsy stuff like she probably goes to cafes and drinks tea and stuff like that. She is probably bombarded with boyfriends too. Anyway enough about her, let’s get back to me. So around week 28 I notice that not only is it men checking me out all the time, but now WOMEN are joining in. At this point I’m like, “What is going on here?” So I go home and look in a mirror and it hits me: I am so pretty! I guess something about all my extra vagina hormones is probably making ladies subconscious be all lezbo and stuff. Here is a very accurate representation of week 28:

So that is pretty much how things have been going for me lately. Oh another thing that recently happened is that I fell down and hurt my foot really bad. Pregnancy has given me the agility of an intoxicated toddler. I lose my footing out of nowhere all the time. Sometimes I’ll just be standing up and then I stumble on nothing. It’s super funny and really makes tons of sense about how fucking retarded mother nature is. I’m sure this whole experience would have been way more difficult if I hadn’t had my basic motor skills swapped out for the enormous responsibility of carrying another life. I can’t wait to see what my body has in store for me after I have the baby. Maybe I’ll lose mobility in my arms and go deaf, surely those things would make for optimal infant care!

On some beautiful drunken night back in January, I made contact with a very special boner. That boner did something magical to my inner woman gut. A baby was implanted inside there, and nobody even told me. It was a total surprise party (of one) in my uterus, and I had no idea! To be clear, it was an accident. It was unplanned. It was the last thing I ever thought I’d be doing with my body. But who am I to judge the acts of the Boner God? So now I’m pregnant with a baby, and I assume the baby has a boner, because it was made from 100% pure organic fair-trade boner juice. (My boyfriend is a total health nut so that’s how I know.) It’s been pretty crazy so far, mostly just a lot of anxiety over the future of my vagina. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it will, probably, get totally exploded and send shrapnel flying out for miles. Tiny pieces of my placenta piercing the flesh of innocent onlookers. But alas, I’ve still got like 5 months to prepare for the total destruction of my once perfectly symmetrical poontang. So what have I been doing during these first 18 weeks of pego-ness, you ask? Well I will tell you. I will show you also, because I’m an expert drawer and explainer of all medical things relating to and around the vagenitals of a woman.

Some of my friends who’ve been pregnant have used these things on facebook that post a little drawing and give you a synopsis of what’s going on during each week of pregnancy, and you know what? They’re not very accurate, and they’re also not very good drawings. So I made my own. This is week 4:

Week 4 of pregnancy is a lot like week 1 of a stomach virus and week 3 of PMS. Most women don’t even know they’re pregnant yet. I didn’t. I thought I was just sick with homicidal rage, and eventually would start my monthly vaginal bleeding routine. In fact, at one point, I thought I did start my period. But it was only a small amount of pinkish blood and lasted for like, an hour. I says to my friend I says, “Man, I had the shortest period ever, it was literally, like, an hour.” Then my friend she says to me she says, “Hmm.. you know, you could be pregnant. That could have been egg implantation bleeding.” I was like “egg imitation HUH?” Then she explains that sometimes when you get pregnant, you have some pinkish bleeding from the egg implanting into your uterus. So the next day I took a pregnancy test and BAM, that bitch was right on da money! So evidently, medically, what happened was that my baby egg flew through my fallopian tube so fast and hit my uterine wall with such force (LIKE A ROCKET) that it totally caused some light bleeding. How BADASS is that?!? That was my first inclination that it was probz a boy because dudes love going fast. Duh. Common fact. OK so moving on, here is my depiction of week 8:

I got my first ultrasound at the ER because I was having some bleeding from some kind of incompetant placenta problem. Normally you don’t get ultrasounds that early but I am like so VIP so I did. It looked like some tiny bean shaped booger just sitting there doing nothing. It was dumb, I was like, “WHAT how is that even a baby where is its rattle and shit?” But I guess this is normal. It was not even a fetus yet it’s just like some cells grouped up forming a gang inside my junk, but like, the weakest dumbest gang ever who don’t do anything like fight other gangs or have turf wars. It was really uneventful but I did get verification that it had a heart beat so that was cool. OK so now week 16 when things are starting to pick up a little bit.

So in between 8 and 16 weeks I started to gain some weight and feel a little bit more normal, but still really emotionally crazy. After week 12 I was officially in my 2nd trimester so the nausea went away which was great because that shit sucks hard balls. I got energy back which was nice too, but I did start gaining weight and my pants got to be really uncomfortable. I was using a pony tale thing for a while, like instead of buttoning my pants.. but eventually that wasn’t enough room so I just bought some maternity pants. Maternity pants are awesome and I wish I would have known that sooner, like before I ever got pregnant. They are perfect for eating a lot of food comfortably, without looking like a fucking slob in sweat pants. I’m for sure gonna wear them to Thanksgiving dinners from now on. My boobs are all swollen and hurty, and even though they’ve gotten bigger, they are still not the same size which is just some shitty ass mistake that mother nature made. It’s like one is slightly bigger than the other, so as they grow, if that one would just hold the fuck back for a minute, the other one could catch up & we’d all be a lot happier.. but no, ol’ righty thinks it’s in a race to get to my belly button. But whatever, eventually they will both just be nutrient supplies for whatever is growing inside me. Tomorrow is my ultrasound to determine the sex, and it will probz have a boner.. because like I said.. it was made with a boner and it likes to move fast like a boner. I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure 2 boners make an asshole, so this guy’s probz gonna be like.. the coolest VIP dickhead ever.

If there’s one thing I’m an expert on, it’s boners. If there’s a second thing I’m equally as educated about, it’s how to dress a boner. I know I know, FINALLY someone with a valid voice is here to give all you guys some proven strategies on how to dress and accessorize everything on and around your boner, from head to head, and a little below that too.

TIP 1: Skip pants. They don’t really do anything for your legs, and in this modern day & age, function is really everything. Think of the time you’ll save not having to deal with those pesky leg holes! Also, going pants-less is a great way to show off those new white sneaks! BETTER NOT SCUFF ‘EM, BRO!

This is a really easy outfit to do, and is a great option for going to the gym or just running some mid-afternoon errands around town. As an added bonus, this style is super beneficial for the environment! Look at you, eco-chic and you don’t even know it!

Tip 2: Sequins! So if it’s a little too chilly to go pants-less, but warm enough to still not need pants, shorts are the obvious answer. Sequins are super in this season for men, but the thing to remember is that SIZE MATTERS, and as we all know, BIGGER IS BETTER. You want large sequins, and you want them to cover the grament entirely. Sequined shorts are a really great wardrobe staple because you can pretty much pair them with any basic tank and still look hot.

The tassel from an elaborate curtain makes for a great necklace, as shown here. Oh and don’t forget the gladiator sandals! TOTAL STUD STATUS, but only if you’re keeping up with the weekly pedis!

Tip 3: OLD TIMEY STUFF! Dressing like old timey men from back in the good ol’ fashion days is still pretty good ol’ new fashion too. The trick here is to look grumpy while you strut your classic stuff. The other trick is to not actually wear anything that’s old, because that’s fucking disgusting, who knows what filthy old man balls have been in those slacks! You’re going to want to find a very high end designer that has a “vintage inspired” line. This is going to be an investment, as looking like you’re dressed entirely in your grandfather’s hand-me-downs costs a lot of money when you don’t actually want to be wearing your grandfather’s hand-me-downs, because that’s gross, as I’ve already explained. So prepare to open your billfold and close your heart, because Scrooge chic don’t come easy!

This gentleman is in a foul mood because he can’t find his monocle. Harumph!

Tip 4: DON’T WEAR LEGGINGS. Leggings are for faggots, and by faggots I mean girls, and I think I’ve made it pretty clear that men’s fashion is all about NOT looking gay. Not only are leggings feminine and unflattering, they are hazardous to your health. It’s true. Leggings are the #1 cause of yeast infections in men, just ask Katy Perry’s beard.

If you look closely, you can see the tiny loaf of banana bread rising up due to the high yeast count in his crotch.

Tip 5: Have a “look.” Fashion is like sex, so don’t be afraid to take risks. Having a look is a good way for others to identify you, which can come in handy in big crowds. If you’re the guy in the rainbow poncho with the tiny helicopter on your head, don’t even worry about getting lost in the club.

Papa Gaga will never get separated from HIS posse!

Tip 6: Keep it simple! Why bother with several pieces of clothing when you could just throw on one of these sexy little lightweight onsies! It’s like the romper went to Harvard and got a degree in STYLE. Don’t be afraid to be comfortable AND sleek, it’s a look that can work for anyone. The key is to have the right attitude. If you own it, people will feel that vibe.

It’s important to have good posture when you’re walzting around town in glorified footy pajamas, so keep your back straight and wear shoes with good arch support!

Tip 7: Accessorize from within. You should always go with your gut instinct when it comes to accessorizing. If your first idea is to add a micro-mini over your shiny pants, then go with it! You will totally regret it if you don’t.

Note how he keeps it simple up top with the nude sweater, then totally POPS the outfit down below with a little flash of adventure!

Tip 8: Dress for the event. Themes are great, even if there isn’t an obvious theme set, it’s always fun to just pick your own theme and dress accordingly for any event or party you’re going to. One time I was invited to a kindergarten graduation ceremony, so I did the whole “little girl” look with pig tails and this tiny plaid schoolgirl uniform and I accessorized with one of those big swirly unicorn horn shaped lollipops which I dramatically licked the whole time. I owned that look so hard that I was asked to leave the premises. That’s what fashion does to people, it makes them jealous so people want you to go away so that they can totally try to copy your look while you’re not there. I’m not a diva about it so I’m always like “ok whatevz,” because I think it’s good to try to help people, that’s why I’m giving you guys all these great tips. Like ok say you’re going to your nephew’s little league game, you should make an outfit that SAYS that. Maybe a psychedelic print blazer with matching bowtie, and then accessorize with a bat.

Yeah, pretty sure I know where that guy is going, and you know what? He’s gonna fit right in.

Another good look that says “baseball” is this amazing Tommy Hilfiger shirt I found at Goodwill and cut up to make totally sexy. Check it out!

I am so ready to pretend to care about baseball in that shirt!

Tip 9: Denim on top! Let’s face it, denim is timeless, but the whole jeans look is pretty played out. A great spring/summer look is the denim tube top, and men across the country are really rocking this trend. If you don’t already have one, you can improvise by wearing an old denim skirt up real high on your chest.

Pair it with some fittet trousers and a pair of chucks, throw a blazer over your shoulder, and BOOM, you’re about to be knee deep in respectable woman vagina.

Tip 10: Transition your outfits from day to night. The look you wear in the morning should differ from the looks you wear mid-day and at night. Wearing the same outfit all day is a major faux pas and if you want to be taken seriously, you need to alter your look based on time of day. For example, you go to work in the appropriate work attire, then you come home and change before you go out to run errands and have a casual lunch, then you come home again and change before going out that night.

I picked these three outfits to give you an idea of how to properly transition from day to night. Obviously the first look is a professional office outfit. The second one is just a comfy one piece with some subtle accessories, an easy look for casual lunch or coffee dates. The last look is perfect for going to an Andrew WK themed homecoming dance or whatever your night time plans might be.

So that’s basically it. You now have the tools to look great, but it’s up to you how you’re going to use them. One of my favorite male fashion icons is Joey Lawrence, so if you’re ever unsure about what the latest trends are, I highly suggest just googling him and seeing what he’s doing as far as looking fantastic goes.

BONUS TIP: Buy a stunner suit! The fashion forecast predicts a major flooding of ladie’s panties, due to the influx of men wearing these amazing stunner suits. This is going to be huge VERY SOON, so I recommend stocking up on these while you can. Be the first dude in your neighborhood to rock an original Hunk Wear Stunner Suit and you will know what it feels like to be a mega trend setter. Be warned though, you will be getting a lot of attention from the women, so don’t wear the stunner suit unless you’re ready to score some serious female companionship!

Where yo stunna suit at, bro?

Why do people always say, “Life is too short,” as if their perception of time is somehow going to make your current predicament less severe? Life is not too short, or too long, or just right. Life isn’t a bowl of porridge of your choosing, and your sloppy ass sure as fuck ain’t Goldilocks. Life isn’t a god-damned box of chocolates, and furthermore, only the good parts seem “too short.” Often times the bad parts are so intense that none of the good stuff even matters anymore. So what is the fucking point? We are supposed to look up and discover some magical answer, right?

The great “life solution” sure is a persistent little demon. They should rename suicide, “delayed auto-abortion,” or “masterbortion.” I like to spend my spare-time (which is all of my time) coming up with lulzy ways to write a suicide note. Here are some of my favs:

• I’m dead LOL
• Crossed over to spirit world. WUT IS DIS PLACE, MANG?
• Sorry about my poop.
• Please bury me with all my belongings, pets, friends, and family. And one of the Olsen twins.
• U SAD
• Please get on my Twitter & tweet that I just died & ask them to RT it & #FF me. Posthumous stat boost!
• If you need me, just GPS heaven. WOOT WOOT #AngelStatus
• Call the Guinness Book of Records, I’m about to hold my breath!
• KBAI

Let me know if you are planning on offing yourself and want some help orchestrating a silly note that will surely confuse and, overtime, anger your loved ones. People are such suckers for loss!

Life is a ride, it’s one of those shitty carnival rides that a bunch of drunk idiots put together wrong and it’s all creeky and broken and keeps jerking people around and nobody knows how to make it stop. Life is like a box of chocolates that is full of that Halloween candy that your parents warned you about. Life is a master of disguise, and the good parts happen when it puts in the effort to trick you. If you live with the constant feeling of impending doom, then life gave up on trying to fool you. Congratulations! Welcome to my pity party! You now have free reign to be vulgar & offensive. You can piss people off with purpose and nonchalance, and then blame them for getting upset. The best part of being miserable is making the people around you miserable! You think that’s bad?  This is my life, and it does suck, but shit, bro! What the fuck are you doing with your life? Reading this. Looking in the mirror. Allow me to let you hate yourself. That’s what I do. I make you angry and then ask you what your problem is, but HEY! LIFE IS CRAZY, right?

Meet David Foyer. He runs a “business” called Chef For An Evening where he offers “dinner shows” which he describes as “dinner & clean entertainment.” This man approached me while I was AT WORK in the local mall in Clarksville, TN. Like every other mall ever to exist in the universe, soliciting is against the rules. It makes people feel uncomfortable and is just generally frowned upon elsewhere as well. Being that my job involves interacting with customers, I have a pretty pleasant demeanor with the people who come up to me, especially while I’m on the clock, for obvious reasons. He offered me “free tickets” to his dinner show, basically explaining that it was just a thing he did for couples where he cooks and “entertains” for them. Since he used the phrase “free tickets,” I assumed this was something he normally charged for, and that was his business. As weird as it sounds, I was still nice to him and felt awkward enough to just say ok and give him my phone number. I figured the worst that would happen is he would call, and I wouldn’t answer, and that would be the end of that. It seemed like a small price to pay to get this creeper to go away without just being like “FUCK OFF OLD MAN.” Unfortunately, however, my choice to feign kindness to this stranger turned out to be a bad idea. He made several gross comments about how pretty I was and how being near attractive young girls made him “nervous.” The man is clearly older than time, so it pretty much disgusted me. I am one of those people that will just laugh things off and pretend to be normal if I think it will get someone to just leave me alone without a big huge confrontation. As feisty as I may seem, I really do try hard to avoid fighting and arguing with people in my day to day REAL life.

So a few days pass and I receive a phone call from a number I don’t recognize. I don’t answer, and they don’t leave a voice mail. About an hour later I get another call from a different number, with the same area code. I also don’t answer and they do not leave any messages. The next day the same thing happens, and it goes on for a couple weeks that way until I finally decide to call the number that has been most persistent, which is 931-503-0820. An old man answers and says “Chef’s, how can I help you?” or something like that. I realize right away that it’s the old man from the mall, so I hang up without responding. I just wanted to know who it was, I didn’t think that guy would STILL be trying to call me after never having any response at all. I immediately get a call back from a “BLOCKED” number, which I obviously don’t answer, assuming it’s the same man. I don’t know why he felt the need to block his number this time, but I guess it was because he chose to leave a voicemail and assumed I’m totally fucking retarded and wouldn’t put the most obvious things together, like the identical voice and the fact that he said “Chef’s” again in the voicemail. I upload the recording onto YouTube to share this insane, hostile message with the rest of the world.

After that, I decide to Google this guy and find out what the fuck his problem is. I discover this site which has a bunch of complaints from people all over the country bitching about Carico Healthy Lifestyles representatives. I don’t scroll too far before I find this one from Clarksville, mentioning David Foyer. I then go on to find this one and more and more all from Clarksville (or surrounding areas) complaining about David Foyer, all describing the same man that I had been approached by, and was now being harassed by on the phone. Evidently he is involved in this pyramid scheme business where he sells Carico cookware as well as tries to get other people to buy the kit so that they also can start selling, under him, and therefore making him profit more, for doing less. Now, shit like that is stupid as fuck, but who am I to judge how people want to try to make money? The issue here is not that this guy sells stupid shit to idiots, it’s that he lies and does it under false pretenses. He tricks people into going to his “dinner show” which is just him in his basement demonstrating pots and pans and then aggressively trying to get them to purchase the shit, at 3 times the markup value. I then do some research and find his listing on the Better Business Bureau website, where I also filed a formal complaint about him.

Low and behold, the two phone numbers listed there are the same numbers that had been calling me multiple times a day for the past 3 weeks. At this point I’m really frustrated, and decide to call him back and see if he will fess up to any of this shit. Not only does he refuse to be honest with me, but even after I let him know that the jig is up, he just makes up MORE LIES about some “other guy” on the internet who had been “claiming to be him,” whom he is currently in the process of suing. I recorded our conversation, and you can listen to it here. My favorite part is how he answers the phone saying his name is David, but then later in the conversation I ask for his name and it’s suddenly Mark. The man is a fucking sociopath. I hung up on him and he called back several times. I did not answer, but later on that night I got drunk alone in my room and thought it would be funny to call him and leave him this voicemail. Perhaps not the most mature decision I’ve made, but amusing nonetheless.

He proceeds to call me back several times the following morning. I don’t answer the first couple.. and then I finally decide to go ahead and see what this psycho creep could possibly have to say. I shit you not, he tries to get me to schedule to come in for the fucking “dinner show” again. I cannot believe what I’m hearing. He talks to me as if he never left me a crazy voice mail or got totally ousted for being a lame ass con man. It’s so ridiculous that I decide to start recording it mid-way through, in my bathroom, in pajamas, looking all Jewy & unwashed. It’s so absurd that I don’t even care about sharing how gross I look to the internet, because this shit is just too good.

He of course called back after I hung up on him. I didn’t answer him. I was too busy looking up his “business location” via the address provided in his BBB listing. He kept insisting that it wasn’t a house, and there was no basement, and it was some sort of establishment but he couldn’t exactly describe it, since there is NO FUCKING OTHER THING. Just to be sure, though, I wanted to look at the address on Google maps. Behold, ladies & gents, the location of his “business”:

Yeah so.. that’s a house, and it PROBABLY has a basement. A Hawaiin themed basement filled with a bunch of Carico cookware. You know what the saddest part of all this is? He has been doing this since 1975. Thanks to the fucking internet, however, people are able to know what this guy is really up to all with one little Google search. THIS VERY BLOG, in fact, will now show up when people Google DAVID FOYER from CLARKSVILLE, TN or CHEF FOR AN EVENING or CARICO HEALTHY LIFESTYLES. Congratulations, you pathetic excuse for a con artist.

Oh and he did leave me another voicemail, this time calling me “Linda,” which is my mother’s name, and I’m unsure how he even got that considering he knows my name and my name is associated with my YouTube videos.

I didn’t have the heart to call him back and inform him that the voicemail I left him in which I ask for “sexual tools” is actually already on YouTube, and I put it there.. myself. Also, who the fuck calls dildos, “sexual tools?” A little late to be modest, David. Remember when you told me how pretty I was? That made me feel like the opposite of what a dildo does.

You hear it all the time. KEEP IT REAL. Everyone claims to be keeping it SO real, but are they really that real? Here is a quiz to help you find out if you are legitimately keeping it real or just pretending to be real:

• Do your parents know you’re gay? If not, then you are obviously not keeping it real, unless you aren’t gay, in which case you’re not even keeping it real to YOURSELF, which is actually pretty fucking real. +10 real points

• Are you into astrology? If yes, then you are keeping it pretty real. If no, then you are keeping it even realer. +5 real points for yes, +10 for no

• Do you have a Twitter? If yes, you are probably keeping it pretty real. If you have more than 800 followers give yourself +9000 real points. If you don’t have a Twitter but still look at Twitter, kill yourself and collect +10 afterlife points.

• Are you in a fraternity/sorority/club/gang? You only keep it real in large groups, which means you actually don’t keep it very real at all. -50 real points

• Can you get me into your fraternity/sorority/club/gang? You are the REALEST! Please email me with more info on how I can be part of your friend group. +1million cool points

• Do you get drunk a lot? You are probably keeping it moderately real most of the time, but you feel that your realness goes unappreciated so you get drunk to forget how awesome you are. -100 real points for not believing in yourself

If you have any real points left, CONGRATULATIONS! You are real. If you have 1million cool points, you win the quiz! The prize is you get to invite me to all the cool parties you go to. Hit me up on Twitter, bro! If you didn’t score any real points, please read on for tips on how to keep it more real more often.

So you failed the quiz and now you want to be real? Lucky for you, I happen to keep it so severely real all the time that I’m comfortable enough with my realness to share my secrets with you, because I don’t play, ya know? I keeps it real. That’s just how I do. No biggie. It’s whatevz.

1. Claim to keep it real. Keeping it real all starts with labeling yourself as such to everyone around you as often as possible. People will never believe you’re real unless you TELL THEM. Just randomly throw it out there in casual conversations. Example: “I was at the farmer’s market last weekend picking out some sweet potatoes, ya know, because I keep it real.” Another good phrase to toss around to ensure your realness is “I don’t play.” Everyone knows that people who play don’t keep it real, so you need to disassociate yourself from those who play. Example: “This bitch said I had to pay extra for an additional shot of espresso in my macchiato, so I opened my wallet and handed her the cash, because I DON’T PLAY, ya know?” Another good phrase to use frequently is “Ya know?”
2. Use sarcasm. Constantly. Keeping it real is all about honesty. Honesty is all about not lying. Life is all about lying. The key to walking this tight rope is sarcasm. The easiest way to lie without actually lying is to tell the truth with a really sarcastic tone. Example: “Yeah I totally had sex with that fat mongoloid. You know me, I just can’t say no to disgusting retarded dudes when I’m drunk and in a bad place, emotionally!” See how easy that was? You can’t even tell if I was kidding or not! Can you?
3. Look really cool. People don’t question the realness of people who look cool. Dress really haphazardly. Try to channel your inner autistic child when you are picking outfits. The crazier the better! You want to look wild enough to be seen as cool by your peers, and insane enough to not be approached by the elderly. If you’re straight, dress like you’re not.
4. Do something arty, but keep it very vague. Write poems, paint, DJ, blog, photograph random shit. Anything you can do that seems artistic, but also doesn’t actually say or show anything. The secret here is to not make sense, not even to yourself. This makes you seem really deep and mysterious, so people will just assume you’re keeping it real.

That’s pretty much all there is to it. Go forth and KEEP IT REAL, muthafukkas!

Halloween has, like most things in my life, gotten progressively more dumb over time. Maybe I’m growing up.. although my incessant posting of my own ass on the internet would suggest otherwise. I guess I was never really into Halloween. I just like candy and the idea of pagan holidays, but then I found out Christmas is a pagan holiday too, so now pagan shit seems less taboo and more.. gay, but not the taboo inter-racial kind of gay, just regular old-fashion illegal-marriage gay.

Costumes seem really pointless these days what with the likes of Lady Gaga and other morons who take fashion risks to the extreme on the daily. I mean, I’m all about looking weird but function is still the main concern. It’s usually cold as shit on Halloween, but it doesn’t stop all these sluts from wearing next-to-nothing. Oh and high heels are pretty dysfunctional too, but I still watch these dumb bitches wobbling around in them like they in some kinda sexydance Humpty Dumpty crew. I hardly ever wear heels because it’s impossible to move like a normal fucking human in them. Also, my feet get really sweaty and slide all over the place, which is super embarrassing and also further evidence of the nonexistence of god. If there was a higher power meant for good, I would look amazing and move effortlessly in any footwear, at all times. BUT, then I wouldn’t be such a bitter asshole and write blogs like this.. so maybe god DOES work in mysterious ways while he sits up on his high horse in the sky jerking off to Justin Bieber. (No offense to Justin.) (No homo.) (OK I’m a little homo for the Biebz.)

I have spent the past 2 Halloweens at work, passing out candy to children. I did not dress up as anything on either occasion. This year, however, several kids seemed to think I was supposed to be a vampire. I go to the tanning bed regularly and was wearing a solid maroon-colored tank top & jeans & flip flops. One woman referred to me as “Bella,” which is that broad from Twilight, and she is not even a vampire, she just dates one. Or they’re like sort of dating, depending on the movie or book or how totally retarded you are for knowing about Twilight. Let’s just say that if Bella & Edward were on Facebook, they’d be “in a relationship,” but it would be “complicated.” Anyway, the real point is that I wasn’t dressed up as anything and kids are fucking annoying as shit. When I was driving home tonight, there was trick-or-treaters in my neighborhood, all up in my way, pissin’ me off. Then some asshole parent waved his arms at me & yelled “slow down,” so I flipped him off & mouthed “lick a tip,” which I’m not sure if he understood or not. What if “lick a tip” is one of those phrases that looks just like “I love you” when you silently mouth it to someone? That would be kinda funny though, because it’s like my driving said “I want to kill your children with an SUV,” and my finger said “fuck you,” but my mouth said “I love you.” LOL @ me confusing men with my body language!

Oh but I did carve up an Aryan pumpkin in true pagan spirit!

HALLOWEEN CRIMBUS SPEKTAKULARRR!

!!BONER TOWN BREAKING NEWS ALERT!!

My birthday is fast approaching! On November 6th, I will be turning… 21. or something. So uh, buy me Botox or some random item from my AMAZING AMAZONIAN WISH LIST! Click now! Buy me things! I will think you’re awesome! <3

You know what the best part of being a teenager was? When I knew everything. I’m not sure when I lost it, but I am 100% certain of a time, around 16 or 17, when I knew that I knew everything, and everyone else was a fucking idiot. Not much has changed with that last part, everyone else is still pretty much the dumbest person ever and I’m nearly 80% better than all of you in every way imaginable, but I’ll be the first (or fourth; after my college adviser, my brother, and those asshole middle-schoolers that make fun of my Crocs when I check the mail each afternoon, after I wake up from my regularly scheduled 13 hours of sleep in preparation for the 9 hours I will spend on the internet, diligently scrolling through random tumblr pages of memes for me to Tweet about) to admit that I probably don’t know absolutely everything (anymore). But whatever, I get by, I make do.. I’m still alive, and that’s a feat for some people (the dying, mostly).

The thing that I don’t recall about being a teenager, however, is not having a grasp on what was so clearly and evidently laid out to me as HILARIOUS. I was amused by the same things when I was 16 as I am today (farts, the word “duty,” people falling down, etc). I take few things in life seriously, and have always lived for the LULZ. I know that smart people “get me,” whether they think I’m funny or not, and that’s really all that matters (that I’m funny, not that you get it). With that said, I just want to point out, before I unleash a series of screen caps that undoubtedly showcase my very point, that there is nothing more hilarious than when you are accused of “not getting” something, when in reality, there wasn’t much to “get” in the first place, and the little morsel of wit some moron thinks they just spat “right over your head,” was not only received and deemed stupid, but then conversely turned into something 100% more clever which is now making a fool of the original idiot, and they are actually the ones who “don’t get it.” These people don’t “get” anything because they are too busy being pseudo-intellectuals who don’t have time for petty things like fun and comedy and realizing that the future is pretty fucking bleak so you may as well just laugh through it. That’s why I always (I JUST came up with this) say “Live fast, LOL hard.” (someone plz make sure that goes on my tombstone)

THE STORY BEGINS: Some 17 year old girl that I am FB friends with (for reasons I am not entirely certain of) posted this (lovely) picture of these people from Teen Mom, which I TOTALLY KNEW right away because watching Teen Mom like a fucking retard is one of the many things I have in common with 17 year old girls/gay dudes. Oh and she posted it with some caption like “This girl looks like someone I know..” and then a little winky smiley face emoticon or some shit. I assumed she was trying to make fun of some other girl (because that’s what girls do) and I proceeded to TOTALLY FUCKIN’ PWN EVERYONE WITHIN A 50 MILE RADIUS OF MY COMMENT.

I’m still waiting on both of those kids to accept my friend requests. I even apologized to the gay one, ’cause I got a code of decency for fagz and stuff, just like that girl said I did, or something.

!UPDATE!

Justin DID accept my apology & request for FB friendship! It turned out to be a blessing in disguise, however. Evidently little Miss Welp & he had also formed a facebook bond after our discussion earlier, and they took it upon themselves to BADMOUTH me with more poor French and uncreative insults! They were obviously taken by COMPLETE surprise when I pounced into their convo like a MUTHAFUKKIN NINJA WITH NUNCHUCKS MADE OF WORDS & A NINJA COSTUME DISGUISED AS A REALLY CUTE LOW CUT DRESS! They cowered at my feet, forsaken by the false security of Facebook privacy settings.

Pretty sure we’re still all cool though, still waitin’ on M’lady M’Cayla to accept M’friend’quest though, but whatevz she’s probz super busy with like, homework and boyfriends.

As you may have heard, there is a big pretend panic going on over these alleged “Terror Babies,” which are foreign babies being born in America so as to have dual citizenship and then be brought back to their homeland, and then 20 years later, come back to America and terrorize the fuck out of us. The joke, however, is totally on them because we have already been doing that and our terror babies will DESTROY their terror babies. In fact, underground Terror Baby Rings have been hosting baby battles for years now, and USA is still NUMBER 1.

Check out this hilarious video of Anderson Cooper (my other boyfriend) debating with Louie Gohmert (State Representative of USA’s retard capital, Texas) about the supposed threat to America’s security by none other than FOREIGN INFANTS.

Firstly, I’d like to address the issue of the face of the woman in the beginning of the video. This, ladies, is why you shouldn’t get botox and facelifts. It is also why you shouldn’t be an idiot Republican, or ya know, fear an attack of mongrel babies. Secondly, Gohmert’s defense that this rumor of terror babies is “on the internet” is a pretty good argument. You should definitely believe everything you read on the internet, always. Thirdly, and most importantly, I believe we need to focus less on the prospect of “terror babies” and more on the actual epidemic known as “toilet babies.”

That “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” show on TLC has led me to believe that there is an alarming number of babies being born in toilets to completely incompetent mothers. These women somehow manage to not be in tune with their bodies at all, to the point of being able to unknowingly carry a child inside of them for 9 months. Now THAT is fucking terrifying. Then they assume they have to take a shit one day and SURPRISE they just laid a baby in the toilet! They then proceed to go on national television and tell the story of their ridiculous stupidity, and always conclude it by referring to their toilet baby as nothing short of a “miracle.”

Furthermore, all babies are kind of scary. That’s just nature’s way of warning us that we should stop making them. Most of them don’t even want to be here. You can tell by how they are always crying and whining and playing with guns.

So let’s all just give this terror baby thing a rest. We have actual problems to worry about, like what is going on with Heidi Montag’s face and why Tila Tequila was even at whatever the fuck a Juggalo concert is. This is America, people! We know what we’re doing. We know how to raise terror babies too, so IN YO FACE IRAQ OR WHEREVER IT IS THAT THIS ADORABLE KID IS FROM