BONER TOWN wit britany p.

I know what you’re thinking: holy dominatrix! This stunning creature is so compelling, every time I look at her my clit tries to grow a boner. A boner that wants to be taught a lesson! This mere Boner Award is hardly fitting, she deserves a Boner Trophy. I guarantee that, after this blog, you’re going to be building a Boner Shrine in your pants.

Miss Varla has what I can only assume is every girl’s dream job. She is a professional dominatrix. I mean really, ladies, the amount of times we say to ourselves, “I sure would like to kick a dude in the balls for money.” Hell, most days I’m willing to do it pro bono. Miss Varla, however, is dedicated to the art of dominating. She doesn’t do it for the glamour, the money, the Boner Awards. She is truly passionate about what she does, and the reward for her is in the connections she makes with people, not just the connections her stiletto heel makes with testicles.

She really is intriguing in every way. She is beautiful, stylish, intelligent, independent, and intimidating. I’m no expert in the world of kink & circumstance, but that sounds like the perfect recipe for a domme. If I had a scrotum she could totally be the boss of it.

If I could afford it, I would hire her right now. Not for the dominatrix thing, but as the interior decorator of my home. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a live human man chair? I’ve searched high and low, from Pottery Barn to IKEA with no luck. It’s so frustrating when you have this image in your head of this one piece of furniture that would really pull a whole room together but you just can’t find it, ya know?

So if you’re in the Manhattan area and cruisin’ for a bruisin’ from a sexy lil’ firecracker, I highly suggest you drop to your knees and contact Miss Varla for the beating of a lifetime. You can check out her blog at Miss Varla’s blogspot. I also recommend following her on Twitter, OR ELSE.

You know that thing about people in glass houses not throwing stones? Well, people with little tiny penises shouldn’t throw shit either. People with glass bottles of red wine, however, should smash them into their faces for really awesome photo ops.

I tend to tell everyone everything all the time, and as a result, people don’t tell me secrets very often. Fuckin’ dicks. Anyway, I’ve never really understood the point of secrets. I thought the same rule about rules applied to secrets. You know, rules are meant to be broken, and secrets are meant to be shared at high volume as frequently as possible. My secrets, your secrets, made up secrets (also known as rumors, or really funny ways to lose friends), I share them all! Sometimes things get back to me, about myself, and my first response is always “WHAAAATTT?” Then my second response is something like “NU UH!” Then lastly I come to terms with the fact that I probably had it coming. I don’t adhere to any gay-ass karmic explanations, but I am a firm believer in revenge, and people definitely operate on that shit.

People, especially BOYS, feel the need to share the details of all of their sexual encounters with their friends. I assume the main reason is to feel cool and flaunt that they get action, because that’s the mentality of a child and we all know that males are incapable of moving past the mental state of 16. I don’t have a problem with this, I mean I share everything with my friends, too. There usually isn’t much to discuss, though. wah wah

Ever done stuff with someone you weren’t really into? It’s almost like you know you’re gonna regret it, but for whatever reason (alcohol) you go ahead and give it a half-assed go. You get through that sad sack of inexperience, figure out it sucks, and then vow to never do it again, except maybe one other time when you’re super drunk. THEN you make valiant efforts to avoid that person and go on with your life. Oh but what if that person wasn’t ready to move on without you? What if they thought this was the start of a blossoming relationship? What if they become angry at the fact that you were never interested in them anyway, before and especially AFTER the sexscapades? If the other person is a dude, his reaction will be to dutifully call you out amongst his buddies and make negative comments about the sex, as if the problem wasn’t that you rejected him, but that YOUR performance was unsatisfactory in the bedroom, where his repertoire consists of 3 girls all under the age of 18, and 2 drunken encounters with yours truly. Yes, that makes sense. Logically, if a dude managed to hit a GOLD MINE such as myself, the natural progression of things would no doubt end in him having to let me go due to low scores on my DOIN’ IT report card. But alas, I digress. The point I wanted to make here is not that dudes are stupid and resort to frat boy behavior in order to feel good about themselves, no matter how wee their wangs may be. Although, I do feel like I’ve successfully made that point. I’m so fuckin’ good at point makin’ I make accidental points on purpose. BOOM. Let your brain suck on that sweet little cluster of awesome. Let the ponder monster help you analyze.

Okay, so the main point. Here it is: I’ve had a few people in my time say not-so-nice things about my skills in specific areas of the fornication game. It’s always bitter exes that can’t come up with any actual personality flaws in me, which is saying a lot in itself, because there are MANY and they’re not hard to find. If the only bad things you can come up with in a verbal attack involve me lacking enthusiasm about licking your balls, then maybe I’m a more amazing person than even I was aware. Also, let’s take a moment to consider why a girl might not be “good” at something that involves your penis. Go on, reflect. Employ your deductive reasoning skills.

You know that thing where your parents would ask you to do some stupid chores that you didn’t want to do so you would purposely do them really poorly so that your parents would deem you incompetant and not ask you to do them anymore? Yeah. That’s a skill.

So this is the newest fashion trend. SURPRISE: it looks fucking retarded. Seriously. Why? What is the point? These saggy crotch trousers just look like really poorly made slacks. I thought fit was the most important part of pants…

I’m no expert (just kidding I’m a total genius), but these don’t appear to have a good shape about them. I have never tried on jeans and been like, “These need about 5 more yards of fabric in the vagina area.”

It looks like they are made for people who have big dreams of growing FUPAs. Maybe I’m just not hip to the world of beauty these days, but I don’t know anyone who is trying to accentuate their overweight vagina or elongated butt cheeks.

These are essentially glorified sweatpants. You know what is the least attractive kind of pant to wear ever? Sweatpants! So stop it.

My favorite part (most amusing find) about these pants is the male version. The pictures try so hard to convey this uber-hip, so-cool-it’s-stupid look. It is just a massive fail though, because they only look stupid.

That’s for the casual streetwear dude, but if you are more high-fashion focused, they are available in this lovely button up variety.

They look like if you took one of your mom’s blouses and wore it as pants. I love how he paired them with a strategically ripped up $300 t-shirt layered over a $250 t-shirt and $1300 shoes. This dude wants you to know that he has money, but he’s not above looking like homeless trash. Oh but guess what? That’s already been done, by an actual homeless man.

So next time you’re on your way out and you think you look good in something like this:

just remember that you don’t. The rule is, “If your pants have excess crotch material, then you look fucking stupid.” In a world full of yes, fashion is batting an average NO.

You know what’s really weird? No matter what I consume, I always end up pooping poop. Like, I don’t ever EAT poop, but it’s always what comes out of me! Is my body just playing some joke on me, or is it turning everything I eat into poop? Or are we born with a certain amount of poop inside of us and over the span of our lives it escapes from our bottoms? Even with today’s advanced science, we still aren’t certain of the origins and inner-workings of poop. I guess we’ll never really know. Poop is the great mystery of life.

So there’s this video from Uganda of this man who calls himself Pastor Doctor Martin Ssempa who gives speeches about how homosexuality is totally vile and should not be condoned or allowed. It’s totally hilarious because the man is A) clearly obsessed with poop, and B) completely insane. If you haven’t seen it, I shall post it below this adorable poop-shaped warning:

First of all, the gays aren’t the ones known for being into poop, that’s the Germans. Duh. Secondly, gay people do way cooler things than mess with poop. They have parades, make great clothes, own tiny dogs, and several other things that I can’t remember because who cares about gays, anyway? Why are people who claim to be straight so interested in the lives of the gays? Like the marriage issue. Marriage looks totally horrible. If you truly hated gays, you would gladly let them have the opportunity to enter into marriage. It’s like a domestic concentration camp for couples that has somehow gotten the reputation for being exclusive, but the only thing exclusive about it is how much money it costs to get out. Shit, if you really wanted to stick it to them queers, you would make gay marriage MANDATORY. Plus, most of them only want to get married because they can’t. Just like how people who smoke marijuana only do it because it’s illegal. It has nothing to do with getting high, being at ease, expanding your mind, and experiencing euphoria. People ONLY do it because it makes them look rebellious and wild! Same with eating poop. Once we all just accept it, the Germans will give it up. Lose the shock factor and you’ve got nothin’. That’s why nobody cares about Lady Gaga anymore, she should have kept the penis. And that concludes my blog on poop. 

DAY. Me say DAY. somethin somethin then we gonna go home.

hahahaha forrealz though Beetlejuice is the best movie of all time. #FACT

another #FACT. I have been drinking. Not a lot. But enough to admit that I don’t really know what I was trying to do with this blog. I’ve been asking dudes to send in pictures of themselves with bananas for weeks now, with no real goal in mind. I mean I remember thinking it was just generally funny to see men eating bananas. Look, let’s just pretend I’m super sure of myself about what makes for good blogging. This place is called Boner Town. Clearly, nobody of sound mind is in charge. You only have yourself to blame. So here we go.

Bananas look like dicks, y’all. Dicks. But you eat them! All the time! I see you doing it. You go to the produce department and you pick out a lovely bunch of dicks. You say “Oh my what a great source of Potassium” or some shit. Then you peel it & jam it in your dick hole. I mean pie hole. You put it in your mouth. You go OM NOM NOM all over it like a filthy slut. Yeah you, man. You are a nana whore. Wait, that sounds like you fuck your grandma. Hahahahahah YOU FUCK YOUR GRANDMA? Get out of here.

Look at that guy. He got caught. He likes eating bananas. He loves it. All up in his mouth, down his throat, toward the gullet and what have you. {insert detailed explanation of how food is processed inside our bodies}

You know who that is? It’s Jeff Buckley! He eats bananas from beyond the grave.

It’s Andre3000BANANAZ!

This guy is totally hip to nanerz. #NoHomo

This is one of my favorite pictures of a man with bananas. Not because he is totally omg so effing hot (because he is) but because this is an ad for some kind of Australian company that makes underwear out of bananas. Seriously. Check it out BANANA BRIEFS. I don’t know how they do it, but I’m intrigued. Every man should own a pair of banana underpants.

Another cool thing about bananas: they can be used as pretend phones. Yup. Seriously. Hold one up to your ear and just try and tell me it doesn’t look & feel like a real phone.

This guy is double cool because not only is he handling a banana, he is also wearing one on his shirt. +2000 Nana Points.

There are innovative ways to use bananas, too. Check out Nathan Bacon AKA The Uniblogger AKA My Twitter friend AKA Learning how to spell big words.

So I don’t really know what else to say. I think I just like having boys send me pictures of themselves with bananas. It’s my new hobby. Get on it.

Hey guys, welcome to my nipple…

This Boner Award is for any and every female who has ever put a nude, semi-nude, or “risque” picture online. Some people act like this is such a big deal, but in a world with 6,697,254,089 humans in it, I think it’s safe to say that it is not that serious. I mean, it’s seriously hot, obvz.

For all the girls who contributed pictures to this blog, I’d like to recognize you for an extra stiff Boner Award. You ladies are awesome and I’m quite sure that if any of you ever wanted to get into politics you still could, even though yo titties all over the interwebz. But on the real, who the fuck would wanna go into politics? BORING.

If you have a problem with some girl putting up a picture of herself in a bikini then maybe you need to reevaluate your priorities. It is not this life-threatening thing some jerks try to make it out to be. A topless photograph some art student took of you in college is not going to “haunt” you in the future. Oh and the argument about your family seeing stuff… first of all, they’d pretty much have to be searching for it on purpose, in which case, your family is already fucked up.  Secondly, oh my god what if your mother finds out that you.. you have… breasts? What a monstrosity to have to explain. I think the problem here is that we are programmed to be uncomfortable and ashamed of our bodies. To those of you who support that idea, we collectively say fuck you.

We do what we want.

We’re just regular people. We do regular people things, we just happen to be really hot about it.

We like having fun. It’s not our fault that our butts are super cute.

Oh you like listening to records? We like records too! Coincidentally, we also have great tits.

You’re offended by tits? Well, fine, we will conceal our precious boobies… but we’re still gonna be hot. We can’t help it.

There is no reason to give a girl shit for photographs like this. If you’re another girl doing it, then you are probably just jealous or so uncomfortable with your own body that you have to try to tear down girls who are happy in their own skin. Either way, you are essentially just being a jealous cunt, and you should probably stop focusing so much on other girl’s bodies and maybe concentrate on your own.

If you are a dude being an asshole to some girl about her nudie pics, you are probably a raging homosexual. If you deny your blatant gayness, then the only alternative explanation is that you are just mad because you assumed if a chick put her tits on the internet she was probz a mega slut and you could get some action, but contrary to your delusions, she was not interested. Boo hoo. Men who call females slut/whore/tramp/etc are just as insecure with themselves as girls who call other girls fat. It’s such a default response. It’s basically like waving a huge red flag that says I’M NOT HAPPY WITH MYSELF. We get it already, your life sucks… it’s not our problem, and no matter how many times you tell us how fat and slutty we are, it will still never be our problem.

For more amazing pictures like the one above, check out Merkley???’s official site. It’s some of the most brilliant photography I’ve ever seen, plus there’s hot naked girls. HUBBA HUBBA

Guess what! The world doesn’t run on magic. There is no karmic balance. Stuff is just happening, randomly, constantly. So stop looking for answers. Stop giving credit to whatever pretend power seems convenient at the moment. There is no great being or beings looking out for you. There’s a a whole bunch of shit to do and think about, stop spending all your time trying to find some secret meaning in everything. There are no profound connections to be made. You don’t have a soul mate. It’s all just hullabaloo people have made up to make us feel better about our benign existence. I mean, have you taken the time to look and see what’s going on in space lately? It’s fucking mayhem out there. Even the stuff we have names for looks like complete nonsense. Take the Milky Way, for example..

it looks like a cosmic herpe sore on the galaxy. But this is it, right? The great beyond? I mean, this is where answers are supposed to be. It doesn’t get more beyond than outer space. So if you can figure out the meaning of life from a bunch of sparkly shit floating around out in the eternal darkness that is space, be my guest. The rest of us are gonna go watch LOST.

I recently thought DEEPLY about the matter of gender-specific food. That’s right, while the rest of you dolts were busy worrying about illegal immigrants in Arizona and whose getting kicked off next on Dancing With the Stars, I was pondering REAL issues, like Sloppy Joes.

What a MESS! At first I was like “Why are Sloppy Joes marketed toward men?” Then I googled & found THAT picture, and I was like “Oh, right.. because they look like a sick person took a dump on a hamburger bun.” No self-respecting woman would eat that. So fine, whatever, you guys can have your stupid MANWICH, but you can’t have soup, you dirty motherfuckers!

Oh okay you can have huge “MAN SIZE” cans of chunky beef STROKINoff. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s still soup & you’re a total fag for eating anything with a spoon. OHHHHHH IN YO FACE!! Why don’t you do the combo and have a cup of this lumpy butt sauce with a masculine sandwich, like this:

That’s what REAL men eat. Knives and shit. Oh and protein shakes… and PUSSY! Here, I drew this amazingly accurate and beautiful diagram to help you better understand what a REAL man’s diet consists of:

See? That’s like 80% pussy. The less leafy greens and fancy cheeses you touch, the better. That shit will have you smoking sausage in no time, bro. (YES HOMO)

So where is all the lady food? Where’s our Tidy Amy sandwich to compensate for the Sloppy Joe? I’ll tell you where, it’s right here, at Cafe de BONER TOWN! The Tidy Amy is a sandwich I invented. Here’s how you make it:

• Take 2 pieces of WHOLE WHEAT bread.
• Place 1 piece of Gruyère on top of one of the slices of bread.
• Place 1 piece of baby spinach on top of cheese.
• Place the other piece of bread on top of the spinach, press down lightly.
• Cut the sandwich into 2 isosceles triangles.
• Throw one of the triangles away. You don’t want to get fat, do you?
• Quickly eat the remaining triangle before someone sees you. What if a man shows up? How do you expect to get married when you are constantly shoveling sandwiches into your mouth!? Control your ravenous appetite! You disgust me.

Another great idea I have for a lady-friendly dish is a finger-food variation of the popular FONDUE!  Fondue is already pretty woman-y. Allow me to explain, for my more masculine readers: Fondue originated in France, probably by a couple of lonely broads or a group of REALLY gay dudes. It’s essentially a pot of melted cheese (or chocolate) that you dip fruit, bread, and other flamboyant snacks into. If that doesn’t sound gay enough, check this out:

Don’t look too long, or you will develop a lisp. So anyway, for my idea you basically just remove those stick things and the fruit/bread/whatevz. You just melt you up a pot of cheese and dip your hands right in. I’m calling it Melty Knuckles. It’s going to be such a hit at the next Tupperware party. Ladies, just imagine you and all your best galpals gathered around a piping hot pot of expensive goo, gossiping about the latest neighborhood divorceé while indulging in a melted version of a cheese you can’t pronounce.  How exotic! Also, for the more DARING women out there, you can do a lovely Melty Pepper Jack Knuckles. This would be a great idea for one of those Sugar & Spice parties where a bunch of awkward women who are ashamed of their sexuality sit around and learn about CRAZY erotic toys.. like vibrators disguised as lipstick tubes, so that you’re safe from anyone ever finding out that you like to be pleased sexually (HOW EMBARRASSING!) Oh and lingerie, because that’s really erotic to women. Nothing gets me hotter than wearing really overpriced and uncomfortable underwear. Nothing except DIPPING MY FINGERS INTO A POT OF MELTED PEPPER JACK that is! Oh but be careful not to touch your eyes after indulging, pepper jack tends to sting a bit.

But what of the transgendered and the hermaphrodites? I’ve not forgotten. Chef Britany knows that even freaks get hungry! The Cafe de Boner Town serves the best tranny stew in town! I call it Androgynous Jambalaya and it’s an intoxicating blend of meats, veggies, and candy corn in a thick banana gravy base. Mmmm yummy!

So come on down to the only gender-specific restaurant in the tri-state area, where if you want a salad, you’d better have a vagina!

I love shrimp! Who doesn’t!? (you are gay) I like shrimp any which way, from any food-providing establishment. From Cap’m D’s to Applebee’s, it’s allllll good to me. When I heard about Taco Bell having a shrimp taco I was immediately excited. There were a lot of naysayers, though. People making diarrhea references & what have you. People make poopy comments about T Bell all the time, even before the shrimp taco… and it always 1) grosses me out and, 2) confuses me. What are you people eating from Taco Bell that makes you get all poop-sick? I have never had that problem, so I just assume you all have inferior digestive systems. (That’s right, I’m better than you.) I usually order shrimp or fish tacos from any Mexican establishment that offers them. There is nothing to fear, people. Mexican people know how to cook shrimp even though they can’t afford to eat it. Poor people make good food all the time.

Do you like Taco Bell? Do you like shrimp? If you answered yes to both of these, then I fail to see the problem with the new Taco Bell Shrimp Taco in your mouth. People act like Taco Bell isn’t the appropriate place to be handling shrimp, as if shrimp is some delicate food to prepare. If you don’t trust restaurants/fast food places to make your food safely then you should just not eat ever. You should sit at home watching Food, Inc & honing your paranoia. We eat buttloads of disgusting & horrible stuff. Everything is artificial & genetically altered. Welcome to America. You can forget the facts & enjoy the tasty goodness OR starve. Those are your options. People with picky eating habits are so fucking annoying. Unless you are 5, your palette should extend past grilled cheese & fries. The only food restriction I understand is meat. Red meat & pork is ultimately not good for us. We really shouldn’t be eating it. I love when people try to defend eating meat with some bullshit about “protein.” It’s always fat people with very sedentary lifestyle. Like really? How much protein does your body need to be able to live your life? What the fuck are you doing? Do you know who needs protein? Bodybuilders. People who are REALLY active. Malnourished people need protein. The average American dipshit does not NEED protein. What they NEED is a gym membership. There are so many other HEALTHY options to get the protein we need to sit behind a computer or in front of a TV all day. But I digress… we are talking shrimp here. Shrimp is good as hell.

That’s pretty much what’s going on inside the Taco Bell Shrimp Taco. It’s like 2.50 for one, which is kinda pricey for T Bell.. but ya know, it’s shrimp. Shrimp is fancy. You get like 4 shrimpz in there, plus lettuce, tomato, pico, & some kinda white mystery yum sauce. I pretty much add their HOT sauce to everything. It’s like the ketchup of the Taco Bell menu, makes everything better. So get over yourself & eat one, & if you get the shits it’s because your body is weak and god hates you.

But wait! There’s MORE! More shrimp to blog, that is.  BEHOLD: The Mantis Shrimp.

Check out that mutherfukker!! I call it “The Bjork of the Sea,” because it looks awesome & is magical. Biologists call them “Thumb-Splitters,” because they can crush your bones. They are not really that closely related to shrimp, they just look similar. These are not edible, I mean.. you can eat them if you are some asshole Asian like these freaks here. If you are a normal human with a heart who doesn’t like boiling animals alive, you can have one as a pet.. or, if you’re like me (too broke/irresponsible to own a saltwater creature), just admire them from afar . They are really beautiful to watch & come in a variety of colors, including the rainbow-tastic one pictured above (Peacock Mantis), as well as Tiger Stripe, yellow, green, and purple! Did I mention their eyes work 10 times better than humans? Yeah, they see what you did there, always. They move all hypnotically & when they kill their prey it’s pretty fuckin’ metal. They have these super powerful arms like grasshoppers. They drop the crush hammer by smashing their victims with a force equivalent to a shotgun. They also dance:

THAT IS SO COOL! You know you want one. Oh you have a dog? FUCK yo dog. Your dog is stupid. Can your dog solve a Rubik’s Cube?

Yeah I didn’t think so. Send that ol’ dog to Cambodia to be boiled alive, the Mantis Shrimp is your new best friend.

Here’s the thing, using pick-up lines can be REALLY funny. It can also be really awkward, so you should be cautious about using them. Here are some tips to help you (yes you) next time you go out on the prowl:

• Approach your target yourself. Do not send your friend up to try and talk to some random hottie for you. Dudes seem to do this shit more than girls, so I’m going to try and explain to YOU STUPID JERKS what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a messenger hit. It’s basically like saying, “Hi there. I, personally, think you are TOTALLY HIDEOUS, but my friend over there seems to think you’re attractive. He is also really ugly, you can tell by how he couldn’t even come talk to you himself. So if you are interested in a socially inept and insecure guy, he will be cowering in the corner over there.” See the flaw in your logic now? Here is a rule to live by: if you are too shy to talk to someone yourself, don’t talk to anyone, ever.

• Don’t be super drunk or fucked up when you hit on people. This sort-of overlaps on the rule above. I realize a lot of people like to get a little lubricated in social situations. I GET that. I do it, too. The problem is when you cross the line from “tipsy enough to chat up a stranger” to “I just poured my drink all over myself & fell down, so how about your phone number?” If you are using parties, clubs, bars, etc. as your platform to hit on people, you are probably not really looking for some deep emotional connection, and I get that too.. but even if you just want to have sex with someone you should still probably avoid vomiting on their shoes while you lay your mack down.

• Be creative. Don’t use some boring ass cliche pick-up line that we have all heard a bazillion times. These are not very funny, anyway. Do not go up to someone and expect them to lead the conversation either. YOU should be funny. If you are NOT funny, you should not go out and hit on people. You should stay home and open a match.com profile, then masturbate yourself to sleep.

• Don’t take cues from nature. Just because you got a half-boner for some sexy random in a bar doesn’t mean you should go in for the kill. I’m down with being sexually explicit, but let’s save the carnal instincts for AFTER I’ve concluded that you’re not a psycho maniac. Animals are stupid anyway, people should be ABOVE relying on pheromones and inflamed genitals to know when to fornicate. Look at the Black Widow Spider and the Praying Mantis for christ’s sake! Do you really want to live in a society where it’s acceptable for women to murder the dudes they fuck? (yeah, me too) You know who has a really sweet setup with the dating game? Angler fish. You know which one I’m talking about? That SCARY motherfucker from the dark depths of the ocean with that glowing thing hanging off its head and a mouth full of jagged needle-sharp teeth. I mean for reals, LOOK AT THIS BITCH!

So allow me to break it down for you here. All the Angler fish you will ever see (as described above) are females. This baffled biologists for a while, before they realized that the male Angler fish is WAY smaller and doesn’t have the light thing, basically resembling some tiny ordinary fish. Okay, so here’s where it gets freaky. Male Anglers are like Level 70 Clingers. When they find that special lady, they get REALLY attached. I mean attached in the literal sense. The male basically has sex with his chosen mate and then NEVER PULLS OUT. He then proceeds to copulate for weeks, and eventually degenerates to be nothing more than a set of testicles that becomes a permanent part of the female. The female Angler then goes about her life, basically able to reproduce on her own whenever she feels like it. Do you understand what I have just explained? This is like if I went up to a dude and said “Nice balls, I think I’ll take them.” (which is, by the way, the best pick-up line ever) And let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to eterna-fuck THIS little lady:

Well there you have it. Those are my pick-up line tips (and random marine biology lesson). I hope this helps you all get boners.